Hey, Middle-Aged Bros, That Skateboard Makes You Look Like A Douche
Skateboards are cool and hot when you’re a teenage scumbag with piercing eyes, slightly unwashed hair, strong arms and a tendency towards silence as a form of communication. Skateboards convey danger, mystery, and a recklessness that is sexy when you’re a college frehman. According to the professional trolls at the New York Post, the skateboard has become the newest stand-in for middle-aged male dick and virility. Just what the world needs: another wobbling obstacle to avoid while crossing the street. Oh boy.
According to the Post, cool dudes who are clearly in the beginning throes of their middle-life crisis, like Cyril Therien, a 39-year-old IT specialist, are turning to skateboards as a way to reclaim their youth, I guess? Also, if the lead image says anything, it’s good for the ladies. Therien, a man who skates in a”bespoke Italian suit and designer dress shoes,” claims that the visually arresting image of him careening down a street on a longboard is such a panty-dropper that women are practically “lining up” to talk to him.
“I’m a suit — on a skateboard,” he says, explaining his appeal to the opposite sex. “Women like anything that’s unusual — and this is edgy without being over-the-top.”
What? How? Who? Hmm. I will say that if you’re a sexy middle-aged man who’s really feeling himself and actually know how to skateboard, then sure. Come at me on your longboard, bro. But, if you are a mopey finance bro who is grasping at the last withering vines of your youth, hopping on a skateboard in your suit and your pinchy leather monk-straps is not going to endear me to whatever shitty thing you might have to say once you carefully dismount from your trusty steed.
So, if you want to have a midlife crisis and be very, very visible about it, just get a convertible. Dabble in ayahuasca. Start smoking a lot more pot. Just step off the skateboard, son.