11 Ways Hillary Clinton’s Emails Prove She’s Basically Your Mom
Tuesday night, the state department released another batch of Hillary Clinton’s emails from her time as Secretary of State. In addition to showing that yes, pretty much everyone knew all about her email situation all along, perhaps the most illuminating things were the totally banal messages that sort of prove, to us anyway, that Clinton is such a mom.
1. She loves to tell you where she bought whatever she’s wearing.
In my family it’s always Marshall’s or TJ Maxx or a thrift store, followed up by a knowing “And guess how much?”–which usually means it cost less than ten dollars. But we all have our things.
2. She can’t figure out the fax machine.
To be entirely honest here – my own mother is actually way better at shit like this than I am. I doubt I could ever figure out a fax machine. But most moms are not my mom and probably don’t even want to try to fuck with a fax machine.
3. She dreads having to call someone who is just going to go on and on about how she hasn’t been calling them.
Making phone calls is the worst unless for some reason you really feel like being on the phone.
4. Even people who disagree with her can’t help but still kind of like her.
5. She’s totally hep to all this new fangled technology, okay?
6. She has great nicknames for everybody.
Calling Diane Feinstein “DiFi” is a stroke of genius.
7. She’d love to know where you got that lovely carpet.
8. She’d prefer to be in control, please and thank you.
And, she does her best to support your interest in Barbra Streisand to the best of her ability, and always clapped heartily when you performed various renditions of “Second Hand Rose” in the living room. Which is why you have since forgiven her for not letting your dad take you to see her in the sixth grade, because “No, sorry, we are not spending $1000 for an 11 year-old to go see Barbra Streisand, that is not happening. No. Are you out of your mind?”
Okay, that could just be my mom. Hi Mom!
9. She’ll never miss a chance to deliver a shot about Nixon.
10. Your Dad better not even think of doing anything without consulting her first.
11. She’s always happy to celebrate a birthday–especially when there’s cake.