10 Famous Jennifers For Ben Affleck To Consider Dating Now That He Is Single
Now that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have split, America’s hottest townie-turned-celeb is ready and available for public consumption. Jennifer Garner, for those of you who are worried, will be fine. Because she and Ben split after the crucial 10-year mark, she’s pretty much guaranteed child support for life and will now be free to roll around in all that sweet Capital One money, without the burden of being married to Ben Affleck. Her life is fine! But whither Ben? What will Ben do? Who will he date? How will we keep track of what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with and how?
Ben, it is fair to say, is Jennifersexual. His public dalliances have been primarily with a Jennifer — Lopez and Garner, respectively — but Gwyneth, in her blonde-haired, blue-eyed American girl glory, is basically a Jennifer too. So, with Ben’s impending bachelorhood and what I can assume is an impending midlife-crisis brewing, let’s help his ass out. Here are some Jennifers to pick from, now that he’s a swingin’, paunchy single.
1. Jennifer Connelly
Tabloid portmanteau: Confleck, Bennelly
Viability: Paul Bettany, her actual husband, is very handsome, but B’Affleck could be a good stand-in. Also, Confleck sounds like both cornflakes and conflict, which is the stuff National Enquirer headline writers dream of.
2. Jennifer Tilly
Tabloid portmanteau: Teffleck, Billy
Viability: She plays poker and he has an alleged gambling problem. This will crash and burn spectacularly. Here for it.
3. Jenny Jones
Tabloid portmanteau: BONES
Viability: See above.
4. Jennifer Lawrence
Tabloid portmanteau: *gentle snores*
Viability: So boring that it’s honestly not worth even considering.
5. Jennifer Convertibles
Tabloid portmanteau: LOLOL
Viability: Ben, please, date a furniture company.
6. Jennifer Hudson
Tabloid portmanteau: BUDSON. BUDSON. BUDSON.
Viability: Jennifer Hudson does not have time for fuckboys like Ben Affleck.
7. Jennifer Grey
Tabloid portmanteau: Brey, Ben-Grey
Viability: I just like the idea of Ben Affleck gamely spending holidays with Jennifer’s dad, Joel Grey.
8. Jennifer Aniston
Tabloid portmanteau: BANISTON. BANISTER.
Viability: How has this not happened already?
9. Jennifer Weiner
Tabloid portmanteau: Beiner
Viability: If she writes about it, yep. Otherwise, no, because Beiner sounds too close to a racist term for Mexicans. Let’s not.
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Tabloid portmanteau: Blewitt.
Viability: Somehow, this works for me. They are both relatively anodyne brunette celebrities. Go for it! Mazel.