10 Famous Jennifers For Ben Affleck To Consider Dating Now That He Is Single

Now that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have split, America’s hottest townie-turned-celeb is ready and available for public consumption. Jennifer Garner, for those of you who are worried, will be fine. Because she and Ben split after the crucial 10-year mark, she’s pretty much guaranteed child support for life and will now be free to roll around in all that sweet Capital One money, without the burden of being married to Ben Affleck. Her life is fine! But whither Ben? What will Ben do? Who will he date? How will we keep track of what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with and how?

Ben, it is fair to say, is Jennifersexual. His public dalliances have been primarily with a Jennifer — Lopez and Garner, respectively — but Gwyneth, in her blonde-haired, blue-eyed American girl glory, is basically a Jennifer too. So, with Ben’s impending bachelorhood and what I can assume is an impending midlife-crisis brewing, let’s help his ass out. Here are some Jennifers to pick from, now that he’s a swingin’, paunchy single.


1. Jennifer Connelly 

Tabloid portmanteau: Confleck, Bennelly

Viability: Paul Bettany, her actual husband, is very handsome, but B’Affleck could be a good stand-in. Also, Confleck sounds like both cornflakes and conflict, which is the stuff National Enquirer headline writers dream of.


2. Jennifer Tilly

Tabloid portmanteau: Teffleck, Billy

Viability: She plays poker and he has an alleged gambling problem. This will crash and burn spectacularly. Here for it.


3. Jenny Jones

Tabloid portmanteau: BONES

Viability: See above.


4. Jennifer Lawrence

Tabloid portmanteau:  *gentle snores*

Viability: So boring that it’s honestly not worth even considering.


5. Jennifer Convertibles

Tabloid portmanteau: LOLOL

Viability: Ben, please, date a furniture company.


6. Jennifer Hudson

Tabloid portmanteau: BUDSON. BUDSON. BUDSON.

Viability: Jennifer Hudson does not have time for fuckboys like Ben Affleck.


7. Jennifer Grey

Tabloid portmanteau: Brey, Ben-Grey

Viability: I just like the idea of Ben Affleck gamely spending holidays with Jennifer’s dad, Joel Grey.


8. Jennifer Aniston

Tabloid portmanteau: BANISTON. BANISTER.

Viability: How has this not happened already?


9. Jennifer Weiner

Tabloid portmanteau: Beiner

Viability: If she writes about it, yep. Otherwise, no, because Beiner sounds too close to a racist term for Mexicans. Let’s not.


10. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Tabloid portmanteau: Blewitt.

Viability: Somehow, this works for me. They are both relatively anodyne brunette celebrities. Go for it! Mazel.