“The Bachelorette” Gives Kaitlyn Bristowe More Time To Fuck Before Her Hometown Dates

This season of “The Bachelorette” forges on and I remain obsessed with Kaitlyn Bristowe, my tinier, rose-dispensing, Canadian doppelgänger. Our similarities are undeniable. Nose piercing? CHECK. Bird phobia? CHECK. Potty mouth and a filthy sense of humor? CHECK, CHECK. Large sexual appetite? CHECK. Refusal to apologize for indulging in that aforementioned large sexual appetite? CHECK CHECK CHECKITY CHECK CHECK CHECK.

So, last week, I told you that, true to the season’s early promos, Kaitlyn had sex with one of her suitors — Andi Dorfman’s runner-up, Nick Viall — well before the producer-sanctioned Fantasy Suite episode. But, contrary to the promo’s suggestion, she was not tortured with guilt over her decision to have sex with another consenting adult with whom she is romantically involved. Instead, Kaitlyn struggled to deal with the emotional impact that dating multiple people would have on anyone, especially after sex is introduced into the mix. Again and again, on both the previous episode and last night’s episode, Kaitlyn reiterated that she didn’t feel guilty for having sex — as sex is an important part of a long-term relationship, which is what she’s looking for — but was wrestling with the impact that decision might have on the feelings of the other men she’s dating, for whom she also has strong feelings. You know, complex human emotions and stuff.

But complex human emotions are not good TV, apparently (at least not compared to slutty sluts regretting their slutty slut behavior). The promos were ultimately incredibly misleading – as they often are, but for less slut-shamey reasons – splicing together bits and pieces to give the impression that Kaitlyn was full of post-coital self-loathing, sobbing about her “regret” and “guilt” for making such a huge “mistake.” And on last night’s episode, we learned that there was indeed a “mistake” that Kaitlyn did feel “guilty” about making. No, not sleeping with Nick — though she did eventually come to the conclusion that it might have been better to wait given the emotional fallout — but being overly reassuring with another suitor, Ryan Gosling-lookalike (CHECK) Shawn B., whom she told, in the heat of the moment, “you’re it, you’re the one.” This, apparently, made Shawn fall hard and fast, and put pressure on their relationship too early given the rules of this particular courtship game. Last night’s episode concluded with Shawn and Kaitlyn agreeing to take a small step back but continuing on their “journey.”

(Now, my theory is that “Bachelorette” producers told Kaitlyn and Shawn to slow their roll, in part because Shawn’s panic over watching his bae date a billion other guys was making him a pain in the ass, and also because it was becoming TOO DAMN OBVIOUS to everyone that Shawn is probably a shoe-in for the final two, and if there’s anything “Bachelorette” producers love more than slut-shaming it’s SUSPENSE.

I hope I’m not wrong, BTW. I love Shawn. Just look at how hot he is!)

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ANYHOO. Where was I? Oh yeah. So, apparently fed up with Kaitlyn’s refusal to wear a Scarlet S on her rose ceremony gown, host Chris Harrison was dispatched to inform Kaitlyn of some changes that were being made to the show’s usual schedule. (I almost hurled something at my TV when Kaitlyn expressed some regret about sleeping with Nick and Harrison responded smugly, “Good.” Fuck you, Harrison. FUCK. YOU.) Contrary to every other season ever, Kaitlyn would not be whittling down her suitors to four before visiting their hometowns next week. Rather, Harrison felt the other guys deserved more time “to even the playing field.” SERIOUSLY. HE SAID THAT. The subtext was, “If you think having sex is SOOOOO IMPORTANT, why don’t you have sex with a few more before deciding which of them gets to take you on a whore parade of their hometown?”

Thus, next week, the final five (Shawn, Nick, Jared, Ben H. and Joe) will be whittled down to three (Prediction: Nick, Shawn and Ben, as Kaitlyn has zero sexual chemistry with Joe and Jared), and those three will get Fantasy Suite dates with Kaitlyn. She’ll then give one dude the boot, and the final two (Nick and Shawn, I hope/predict) will get hometown dates.

Now, this twist may have been concocted to “punish” Kaitlyn for playing by her rules – again, fuck you, Harrison, fuck you — but the end result is great just the same. Why on earth would you meet the family of a guy you haven’t even slept with yet? This order of events has always seemed seriously wack to me. This way, Kaitlyn gets to limit her interactions with random judgmental strangers to just the ones her TWO fave boyfriends call “family.” And she gets to have sex sooner! HA! Nice try, Chris Harrison, but YOU LOSE. Sluts ALWAYS win.

And Kaitlyn? Go have fun, girl. Do it for both of us.