President Santorum Would Promote Hetero Marriage, Not Silly Climate Change Science

On the heels of Friday’s ruling for marriage equality, some Republican presidential contenders have been falling all over themselves trying to say the dumbest things humanly possible. Which, as I have mentioned, is not really very smart of them given the massive public support, and the fact that by 2016 even many people who don’t support it will have realized that it’s not actually changing their lives in any meaningful way and probably stop caring so much.

Rick Santorum, naturally, has been particularly vocal about this–having gone off on Twitter about how it’s not fair that “5 unelected judges” can redefine “the foundational unit of society” and whatnot. On Sunday, he spoke to Tucker Carlson on “Fox and Friends” about what President Santorum would do to challenge this.

The first priority, he claims, is to get some kind of Religious Freedom thing added to the first amendment, designed to protect Christians who wish to be able to continue discriminating against gay people. Of course, they’re going to have to get extra specific about that so as to ensure that it doesn’t lead to people of other faiths being allowed to do things that might annoy Christians, such as waiters refusing to serve them BLTs.

In fact, should something like this get passed, I will immediately be establishing “The Very Holy And Sacred Church Of Discriminating Against/Annoying Rick Santorum And Friends”

He then went on to explain that if he were President, he would spend lots and lots of time telling straight people to get married, rather than talk about silly things like “global warming.” You know, because that seems like a really good use of Presidential time, and would surely be totally effective.

Santorum, whose greatest contribution to popular culture so far is the neologism “Santorum–meaning the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the product of anal sex– says that he would promote marriage in “the popular culture and the business community, and have programs that would support the idea of marriage and togetherness in order to raise children. That is the most important thing we can do as a society to lift up marriage as an institution that’s important to the survival of our country.”

I’m not sure if he realizes this, but there is actually a word for politicians trying to promote things in “popular culture.” It is called propaganda. I mean, what? Is he going to establish a new Hays Code? It seems a little late for that.

To boot, Rick Santorum hates social programs. He once compared Medicaid to fascism, but he’d be willing to spend tax money on programs whose only purpose is to whine “So when are you getting married?” at people? Like, that’s fine and totally non-fascist, but the idea of poor people going to the doctor makes him think of Mussolini? Really?

I mean–let’s get real here. Encouraging marriage and having children was actually a huge thing for Mussolini. In fact, in fascist Italy, in order to encourage marriage, the government gave out “marriage loans,” which did not have to be paid back so long as the woman bore four children. There was a massive, massive focus on family, children, and getting women out of the workforce and back into the home.

Even if it weren’t a weird thing to do, I don’t think anyone really needs the President to be kvetching at them about getting married or not getting divorced. Like, even if that were not kind of a weird thing for the President to be sticking their nose in, I can’t imagine it would be effective. Like, I don’t think there’s a situation people would be in where they’d be like “Hey! We sure hate each other’s guts and would like a divorce now, but President Santorum says we shouldn’t, so let’s stay together anyway and be miserable!”

Yeah, I’m going to say there is about as much of a chance of that happening as there is of Santorum becoming president. Which is to say, I hope, not at all.

[Salon]