#Problematic: Taylor Swift Is Evil, Paul Nungesser Has No Shame & Rose McGowan Is Magical

I think we should start a Change.org petition requesting that the government replace the Fluoride in the water with Valium. Everyone is just so uppity these days. Everyday a new dildo, disguised as Republican man, announces his run for President. People keep opening stores just for stupid things like cupcakes. There are still states that don’t allow wine in grocery stores. The moral is that people need to chill the fuck out and embrace one of life’s most overlooked gifts – silence. One cool thing us all being up the world’s ass accomplished this week though was putting the goddamned Confederate fucking flag a little bit more in the past—but it won’t fully be gone until they make everyone in Florida black out their tattoos of it, like Ron Perlman on “Sons of Anarchy” when he got kicked out of the MC.

1. Taylor Swift > Anything Else

If you follow anything I put on the internet, you know that I have strong feelings about two things: The Dixie Chicks and Taylor Swift. The former I think are one of the greatest female groups of all time, and losing them to conservative hate mongering was something of a national tragedy. The latter is on a short list I have of women that I have trouble getting behind. I know, feminism, etc. I don’t want to rag on other women. But if celebrity has become a merit badge for a privileged upbringing, then Swift’s face is the face on that badge. I think she is talented. I think she can write the fuck out of a song. She has her finger firmly on the pulse of trends (so much so, she pulled off what is probably the best country-to-pop/cute-to-hot makeover of all time). She is a brilliant business woman. And she tends to do nice things.

BUT she is also evil.

Ever since her pop takeover—which I was kind of hoping would only be a moderate success, and she’d have sulk back to pretending to be a country singer, because skinny, white girls shouldn’t get everything they want—she has become essentially a world leader. She could probably get Russia to change their nuclear weapons policy if she just batted her eyes at Putin and maybe Instagrammed him with one of her cats.

What I find so irksome about her whole reign of gift-giving, fan-stalking, lovable terror is that the world doesn’t seem to have a problem with being masterfully manipulated. Taylor Swift is actively mind-controlling us in a way that is so subtle, so carefully thought out, we don’t even notice it. For the love of god, she gives out bracelets that light up in synch to her songs at concerts (a move that makes all of her concert photos look infinitely more magical). And then three attendees in Louisiana were in a wreck leaving her show, and used the bracelets to signal for help. “Taylor Swift Bracelets Save Lives” is an international headline now. If you don’t firmly believe that Taylor appeared in the car’s path like Mary Ann and her weird pig friend did to Tara in “True Blood,” then you are the ball, not the racket, my friend.

So this week, Taylor Swift wrote an open fucking letter to Apple about their withholding of royalties to artists during the three-month free trial they’re using to get people hooked on its new streaming service. She made some good points, like the fact that Apple certainly doesn’t give out iPhones for free. She also made sure to say, “These are not the complaints of a spoiled, petulant child,” getting the jump on anyone calling her a fucking brat. The kicker is that within 24-hours Apple announced they would change the policy and pay artists during the free trial.

In one swift post to her Tumblr (a place usually reserved for regular people to post artsy porn when they’re drunk and feeling edgy), she was able to spank one of the biggest corporations in world. I do believe that Taylor believes in keeping the music industry more honest and that she likes to promote new artists that she believes in. But what people fail to see in their altruistic, benevolent perception of Swift, is that she is not a super hero. She makes sure to get something out of everything she does. In having Haim open for her at a few tour dates, she gets to suck the cool from them, a kind of cool she could never attain on her own, like a pop music vampire. In befriending tons of super models, she got to walk the Victoria’s Secret runway. Every time she does anything that is usually lauded as kind or cool, she is actually further curating her already cherry-picked image. In getting Apple to reverse a policy for her, she effectively made it crystal clear how powerful she is. To further prove that she’s no angel, she’s since been called out by photographers for doing the same thing to photography that she complained Apple was doing to music, in the way she treats both professional photographs of her by hired guns, or fan photography she posts without credit.

Ultimately I think Tay cares so much about royalties because she’s so sick of having to pay them to the devil in exchange for her career and life. She has no boundaries. She will spit in a diet Coke with her face on it and tell you she got you a present. She will ask for your sweater, and then give it to her cat to lay on. And I just wish people would stop being so gullible about her. #KatyPerryForever

As #Problematic as people who think it’s cool to request “Freebird”:


2. Paul Nungesser Has No Fucking Shame

Columbia University is a legendary institution, a symbol of ambition and Manhattan elitism. Just the thought of its halls conjures up thoughts of period piece films and fake British accents. And now they’ve been permanently stained by one of the most media-covered university rape scandals ever.

People have varied and contentious opinions of Emma Sulkowicz (notably Cathy Young, who I think should be publicly tarred and feathered), the student who accused fellow Columbia student Paul Nungesser of rape. For the record, I think that he absolutely raped her, and Columbia should be ashamed at its complete impotence in bringing justice upon this student who had already been previously accused of similar assaults, even found guilty by Columbia, only to have cheated the system through appeals to still have a squeaky clean record. I also need to believe that a woman wouldn’t carry her mattress across her campus every day for months just for attention, but instead because of the blood-boiling lack of care and protection for women in our society that she was directly a victim of.

Well now, in keeping with the way that we have created a system that is entirely set up for the protection of men, that douchebag Nungesser is suing Columbia for defamation of character, “gender-based harassment and defamation,” and “anti-male discrimination.” That makes me want to go out in the street and scream until I get a meeting with Hilary Clinton about what the fuck we’re gonna do about this shit. A man, who a lot of people believe sexually assaulted more than one woman, is suing because of gender bias!? The phrase “anti-male” exists and will be uttered in a court of law!? Grab your cats and wine and just go hide until 2016 when a woman can take the White House and redecorate our fucking world.

As #Problematic as drunk driving:


3. Rose McGowan: Hollywood Martyr

Rose McGowan, known “Charmed” one, is also magical off screen. She is a badass feminist who isn’t quietly taking Hollywood telling the women that it exploits to bend over and let them do their worst. She’s been making feminist statements on red carpets for years now, but since she finally Tweeted some of her thoughts, people are paying attention.

She recently tweeted some casting notes that came along with an Adam Sandler script (also known as used toilet paper). The notes dictated that anyone auditioning should wear a push up bra and a form-fitting tank top. Subsequently, her agent has dropped her. What’s most problematic about this is that someone as completely unsexy, increasingly unfunny, and unfathomably out of touch as Adam Sandler can hold so much power. Hashtag. White. Men. McGowan blasted back with what might be cataloged as one of the best tweets of all time. “I just got fired by my wussy acting agent because I spoke up about the bullshit in Hollywood. Hahaha. #douchebags #awesome #BRINGIT”

As #Problematic as the fact Shannen Doherty is such a diva, they had to kill her off “Charmed”:


4. The “Real Housewives” Are Each Special, Sparkly, Perfect Encapsulations of What’s Fucked Up In America

Making bad pop and dance music is a “Real Housewives” rite of passage, and LuAnn of the New York chapter is back with her latest single. The song is called “Girl Code (Don’t Be Uncool).” The song alone is ridiculous and vapid, just like you’d expect. But what is the immaculate cherry on this fucked up conception is the television debut on Bravo’s “Watch What Happens Live” (also known as reality television’s favorite funeral home). She is wearing an age inappropriate outfit (but makes it look good). There are hype dancers with big muscles and bad tattoos. It starts with an overenthusiastic bass line played by a dejected man who’s actively regretting having agreed to do this. There are two other “Real Housewives” wobbling in the background, one mouthing “It’s so good!” while she flips her hair off her Botoxed, florescent-kissed skin. There is a pretty, young woman who jumps forward to sing the hook, who may or may not be related to LuAnn. There is a sax breakdown.

But what is the most gloriously botched thing about it is that LuAnn is not just lip synching, but lip synching to a track so auto-tuned, it sounds like robots fucking. It is a testament to the talentlessness and extreme privilege of reality stars to do whatever the hell they want. It is a pageant of signs of the end of times. And I fucking love it.

As #Problematic as over-eating: