We Ask Men: Hey, Could We Do This To Your Dick? (NSFW!)

The internet is a curio cabinet full of crap, some of which you need and some of which you really don’t. Nowhere is this more evident than on stock photo websites. We’ve spent a lot of time poring through stock photos, and really, nothing is more delightful than the curious results turned up by a casual search for “Christmas sex” or simply “penis.” The situations that stock photographers imagine penises in are a delight. Most have absolutely no relation to the real world life of a dick, let alone serve as helpful imagery to illustrate an article. Why would you ever need, for example, a picture of a penis on a plate, balls waxed bare, the head buffed to a high gloss? Here at The Frisky, this photo has been the ideal stock photo: completely nonsensical, weird, and impractical.

Then, we found this:

WEEEN SORRY NSFW

What? In what world would you ever need this photo to exist? What article or post or tweet could this photo illustrate appropriately? Who was the art director that decided to ask some poor man to put his sizable ween on a hot dog bun, held aloft by a iridescent pink polished hand, and drizzled in mustard? Who would let someone else do this to them? Why? The pay for modeling for this photo, which no one but us will probably ever use, CANNOT be very much, if anything at all. In the name of journalism, we posed some questions about this photo to a wide swath of penis-possessing men in our lives. These are their answers.

THE QUESTIONS

1. In 140 words or less, please describe the conditions under which you would agree to be the dick in the photo. (As in, not as a model, but in your day-to-day life.)

2. Same question, but replace the mustard with chili and kraut.

THE ANSWERS

If I was given a dick that large for keeps, I would let it be Chicago-dogged.

1. I would agree to be the dick in this photo for an unlimited AMEX Black Card

2. See above.

Combining sex and food does not tickle my pickle. Whipped cream, mashed bananas, edible undies–in my world, these reside in a realm of kink far, far away. I don’t care if it is my own dick serving as vessel (or payload, depending on how you look at it), I probably wouldn’t agree to do this under any circumstance. If I had to choose, I guess I’d dip my balls in honey, or stick a kirby cucumber up her cooch.

1. I would agree to be the individual whose penis was placed in a hot dog bun and slathered with mustard for the princely sum of $143,256.89, paid in the following denominations and amounts: 956 $100 bills, 733 $50 bills, 518 $20 bills, 41 $10 bills, 38 $5 bills, 27 $1 bills, 11 Eisenhower dollar coins, 5 Sacagawea dollar coins, 6 Kennedy half dollars, 2 Washington Bicentennial quarters, 1 1874 CC Seated Liberty dime, 4 Jefferson nickels, and 9 1944 Steel Wheat pennies.

2. To be the individual whose penis was placed in a hot dog bun and slathered with chili and kraut, I would require my face to be placed on the $20 bill and a royalty of 1 percent of the value of each bill printed to be tendered to me, with a further 0.1 percent royalty to be given to me every time a $20 bill changes hands in any sort of commerce.

1. If I was offered a substantial sum of money and assured that only someone who had taken their dentures out would be able to go near it.

2. The thought of chili that close to my penis is just a no go.

1. Short answer: I wouldn’t. I suppose I can imagine a situation in which I’d do it to prank one of my friends but that’s not something I’d ever really do.

2. All gloves are off. I’m doing it right now.

Question 1: Only if a partner requested it and after a conversation. I’d probably nix pictures.

Question 2: Only if a partner requested it and after a conversation. I’d probably nix pictures. Is there a thing about chili and kraut that would change my answer? I’m already putting hot dog condiments on my dick, for fuck’s sake.

1. If my partner were hungry (WITHIN LIMITS) and was sincerely turned on by the act and would not descend into a fit of giggles. Also, if this happened over an easily cleaned surface. Kitchen tile, say.

2. Ditto, but with the proviso that the chili was room temperature and the heavily vinegared kraut stayed away from the urethra.

1. I would never choose to have my dick smothered in mustard. that’s disgusting and frankly i’m a little offended that you asked me this for your “survey.”

2. Chili and sauerkraut are great toppings so i’d probably be cool with it every once in a while. not an everyday thing, but maybe it might make dicks more appealing to look at for potential partners who love spicy food?

Also, I can’t imagine a scenario in which anyone would ever have use for this stock photo. also also, if either French’s or any chili/sauerkraut company paid off my student loans for me, I’d cover my dick in anything they wanted.

1. I’m an old married dude. The only circumstance under which I would be willing to be the dick in the photo in day-to-day life would be if my wife, for some bizarre reason, wanted to recreate the scenario. I’ve learned from Dan Savage the importance of being “good, giving and game.” This also assumes, of course, that we would be able to find the extra long hot dog bun required.

2. If my wife were willing to lick the condiments off, I suppose she could adorn the “hot dog” with whatever toppings she desired.

• An insatiable appetite for hot dogs

• Ability to self-fellate

• Ability to painlessly regenerate my ding-dong

More than willing to contribute a disgusting and awful (very) short story with this scenario (but for $).

That’s an impressive dick.

1. I firmly believe food and sex do not belong together, but I’d agree to do it if a woman I really cared about — and/or I really wanted to fuck — asked me to do it and I thought it would lead to sex.

2. I’d probably still do it but I wouldn’t feel good about myself in the morning.

1. I would comply if persuaded that the mustarding and bunning of my dick would lead to further oral engagement. And/or, if I felt it would play as really funny. Our daughter would have to be reliably asleep or in another building altogether, as seeing such a thing would lead to decades of both therapy and hot dog aversion.

2. All of the same applies, though the chances of being bitten through a blind heap of chili and kraut would increase to the point that maybe only the comedy would be worth it.

1. I guess if it was something (even though I’d think it was a bit strange) that turned my partner on, I would be willing to do it; or maybe they (my partner) would just be joking around or have a bizarre sense of humor??; I don’t know.

2. I think the chili and kraut would be going a little too far (messy and very strange!).

1. If it were for someone I love (not family, obviously), because–I don’t know–they had some weird urge to see such a thing, then sure once. Or for a large sum of money. But only for someone I know or someone someone else I know and trust can vouch for (i.e. not for some rando on the street). Lastly, like responding to this survey, there would have to be a promise of total anonymity.

2. See above with the addendum that the chili has had ample time to cool.

1. It’d have to involve a brand new bottle of mustard, without any weird fridge crust on the tip. I also want a written guarantee that I won’t see any potato or macaroni salad at any point during the act.

2. This has to be the point where I’m finally taking practical risks towards my dream of starring in a Grace Jones music video, Dress it by whatever means necessary, as long as the cameras are rolling.

1. I’d be ok with being the dick in this photo if it was for like a viral prank show where you like go onto a boardwalk and make bros accidentally touch a dick when they want a hot dog.

2. Hot food like chili on my penis is a really good way for me to no longer trust anyone goofing around with my penis.

1. This would have to be the result of a private joke between me and a significant other. I can’t think of another scenario where it would be acceptable.

2. Regarding other toppings, it would have to be something similar. I think I’m sort of boring and a prude but boy oh boy this is such a high concept dick pic

Like the photo seems so devoid of any irony or lightheartedness, it feels pretty straightforwardly gross in a way that’s pretty bothersome to me. It’s probably the incorporation of food products.

I mean I don’t buy bread. I don’t even know how much it costs. so the only way this could happen to me (other then modeling) would be to fulfill a lover’s fantasy.