Sweden Has Given Us A New Name For Female Masturbation

All of the terms for masturbating are male oriented. Fapping describes the sound of one lone hand beating against a sad erection. Beating the meat, choking the chicken, beating off, jerking it, jacking off, whacking off, wanking, yankin’ it, pullin’ your pud are all gross but very man-specific terms for the art of self-pleasure, suggesting the violence and general upward tugging motion of a hand on a penis. As women with anatomy that is more mysterious, internal and delicate, our options for euphemistically discussing masturbation are much, much less. Rubbing one out, sure. Flicking the bean works, I guess, but only because I suppose the clitoris is a bean? Otherwise we’re fucked.

Thank god Sweden came to the rescue, because they’ve coined a new phrase for it: “Klittra”, a terrible portmanteau of “glitter” and “clitoris” won a competition put on by the Swedish Associaton For Sexual Education to pick a new term for the phrase. As reported by the Guardian, klittra beat out 1,200 submissions. I suppose it works, but its not as evocative as any of the phrases for male masturbation are. This is, depending on your worldview, very good or very bad. Also, introducing glitter to the vaginal area, even in concept, is gross. Glitter is for little kids making Mothers’ Day cards. It gets over everything You can never get it out of your hair. Glitter actually sucks. It sounds close enough to “clit” for it to be fine, but I’m not sold. It discounts the g-spot! It’s a cutesy way to say that you’re just really getting in there, and that, to me, is lame.

Call it klittra if you must, but I’m sticking with “parting the silken curtains”: disgusting in its own right, but still, more accurate.

[Guardian]