WWJDD: “How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Dominate Me In Bed?”

Editor’s Note

After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.

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Any tips on getting someone to unleash and act more dominate during sex? I want my boyfriend to fuck like you, but I don’t think showing him your work and saying “be more like him” is a good idea.

I would love for you to be able to have awesome sex, and the type of sex that makes you come like crazy and gets you off. But just because you want your partner to like doing something sexually, doesn’t mean he will like it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I want to be fucked and tossed around like a filthy slut. I want to be a submissive sex toy in the bedroom,” just like there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I want to have really connected, romantic sex in missionary position, and NOT have rough sex like that.” It’s possible that you’re not very sexually compatible, but it’s also possible that your boyfriend is just not very experienced with having rough sex. Maybe he has it in him or maybe he doesn’t, but first you have to find out whether he’s comfortable with the idea of trying, because it’s not okay to demand, “I want you to fuck in a completely different way than you normally like and feel comfortable with.”

Now, I would need more information from you in order to give you specific advice for getting your boyfriend to fuck you in a way that he’s not currently fucking you. So, here are some questions for you, and anyone else with this issue, to consider:

  • Is your partner simply inexperienced or timid?
  • Does your boyfriend know you’d like to be dominated?
  • Have you expressed this to him in the past and how have you expressed it to him?
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Let’s say you you haven’t yet expressed this to him. Suggest it when you’re already in bed together having sex. Say something like, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to try, will you try it with me?” See what he says. If he just grunts and ignores you, well, is that really the person you want to be having sex with? And if he’s clear that he’s not into trying it, then there’s nothing you can or should do to convince him. He’s just not into that type of sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. You have to accept it and then determine what impact that has on your overall relationship. It’s also important to remember that the way someone has sex, the things they do that maybe you don’t like, might be the best sex of somebody else’s life. It just might not be your best sex, because you might be into different things. That the beauty of sex: everybody can like anything. There’s no right, there’s no wrong.

I think it’s pretty likely, however, that your boyfriend is going to be into the idea of dominating you, but he’s probably inexperienced at it. Both men and women need guidance, positive reinforcement and constructive criticism while they’re having sex if they’re going to grow sexually. Think about it: men and women don’t have the same sexual organs, how the hell is one supposed to know what the hell they do and what feels good unless we talk about it?

So, if it does turn out that your boyfriend is interested but is just inexperienced at being dominant, I suggest that you start slow, and use assertive communication and equal participation. Let’s say you want him to choke you: Take his hand and put it on your throat and instruct him on how and how much to squeeze. “Like that, squeeze from the side, but slowly — Yeah, like that! Keep doing that! That feels so good!” Give him positive reinforcement, talk to him, show him that you’re enjoying it, and he’ll probably get really into it.

For the love of god, please don’t forget to have a safe word. It’s so important. If you’re going to start doing crazy rough stuff in bed, you need to know how to communicate properly to your partner. You need to make sure that he knows, “If I tap you three times, STOP, but other than that, keep squeezing.”

Think of this as an opportunity to tailor-make your own sexual fantasy. I know it’s not as hot to “train” somebody who you want to dominate you, but honestly, you get to help mold somebody to be your perfect Dom! You get to teach your boyfriend exactly what it is that you want and like! Just remember, go slow. It might take six months, a year, whatever, to fully explore all the different types of rough sex you’re interested in, but you’re going to have to go through steps. You can’t go from, “Okay, now that you know how to choke me, I want you to tie me up and fuck me in the ass and beat the shit out of me with whips.” You can’t go from one to the other that quickly, so don’t rush.

Oh, and lastly, please do not show him my porn or anyone else’s and say, “I want to be fucked like this.” Porn is not education, it is entertainment. If you want to be fucked like a porn star, GO FUCK A PORN STAR.

Already known as a porn star, actor, director, producer, sex symbol, and star of our masturbatory fantasies, James Deen can now add Frisky advice columnist to his resume. Each week in his new column, What Would James Deen Do?, he’ll be offering his straight up, rock solid, no bullshit advice to YOUR questions. Want to know what James would do? Email your questions to [email protected]!