Vogue Would You Like You To Buy Your Way Into An Engagement With $8,000 Dresses

Ladies, did you know!? If you want your partner to put a ring on it, being your plain old normal self is simply not enough! You must invest in your future marriage by taking your credit card for a spin and piling on thousand-dollar attire lest he discover you are actually a bridge troll who wears Target dresses. At least, that’s how Vogue.com seems to feel. This charming post, entitled “Want Him To Propose? Here’s What To Wear” takes us (erm, a ubiquitous “you”) on an imaginary journey to a destination wedding (more likely, the author’s thinly veiled tale of her own upcoming journey?) with a significant other we desperately want to marry. Instead of enjoying the sand and sun with our beloved in this hypothetical beach locale, we lay on our hotel bed, stare up at the ceiling and and wonder, “‘What am I going to wear to this wedding so that the love of my life can see just how great I am and one day, pop the question?'” Ah, the crux of womanhood!

I know Vogue is known for showcasing pricy clothes, and this writer is likely just having fun dropping a very firm hint to her own boyfriend, but I simply can’t resist the eye rolls. As the post goes on, we are reminded that if a dude isn’t the marrying kind, “not even Alaïa—the patron saint of ‘Oh wow’ dresses—can help you here. But if you suspect he’s on the verge, well, here we go: As always, begin from the inside out. Beyond your sparkling personality, you need the perfect lingerie: romantic, not five-alarm bells and whistles.”

Take notes, girls! We can learn here that being your awesome self is not good enough, and that you’d be foolish to assume a man would want to wife you if you’re not wearing the perfect romantic lingerie under every ensemble – gee, I’ve sure been going through the world wrong! But wait, there’s more to learn!

“…But really, you know what the most attractive quality in anyone is? The ability to have fun. Don’t fret about your future together—right now, at least, while you are drinking a saucy cocktail in an idyllic limbo, celebrating someone else’s happiness.”

But wait, I thought the goal was to lock it down ASAP, per the prior fretting on the bed when we could have been playing on the beach?

“This isn’t about you, remember. And it’s pretty rude to get engaged at someone else’s fete, and the idea of even mentioning a whisper of the idea to your significant other is at best eye roll–inducing, at worst, a full-blown panic attack. So what do you do after the reception? Go back to your hotel room, together, lie in bed, look at the fan, and think, ‘Well, isn’t this moment just fantastic? And really, don’t I look great?”

So, according to this piece, to arrive at this final moment of pretending you never care in the first place after all those hours of really giving a fuck, all you need is to choose from these delightful engagement-worthy clothing items, among a few “cheaper” counterparts also offered up:

  • A $8,363 Givenchy dress
  • $795 Miu Miu suede platform wedge sandals
  • A $7,000 Victorian reverse-painted rock crystal mother-of-pearl locket
  • A $928 I.D. Saffieri Poudre et Diamants lace dress
  • A $13,860 Mary Katrantzou Nathair slip (a slip!)
  • Oh, and a $620 Rodarte barrete!

A cheaper option: talk to your partner about where you want your relationship to go. I know, right!?

[Image via Shutterstock]