Ladies Can’t Understand “Goodfellas,” Says Douchebro Named Kyle Smith

It’s official, ladies and gentlemen. The bro-iest bro article in the history of bro articles has been written, and I’m dying. I am absolutely dying.

It is titled, I shit you not, “Women Are Not Capable Of Understanding Goodfellas“–and it was written by one Kyle Smith. Kyle Smith! You know who doesn’t get to tell me, Robyn Pennacchia, that I don’t understand “Goodfellas?” Some dude named Kyle motherfucking Smith. Minchia.

I have a couple things to say about this right off the bat. First of all, that I have seen “Goodfellas” approximately 45,000 times. Second, that the editor of the movie was a woman (Thelma Schoonmaker), and the executive producer was also a woman (Barbara DeFina). Third, best character in the movie was a woman–Catherine Scorcese who played Tommy’s mother. Fourth, Kyle Smith has about as much right to tell me that I can’t understand “Goodfellas” because I’m a woman, as I do to tell him he can’t understand it because he’s not Italian.

Kyle starts off with an anecdote about the time he watched the movie with a date and asked her what she thought, and she said “Boy movie.” That one incident, many years ago, led Kyle to firmly believe that no woman on the planet could possibly appreciate “Goodfellas.” You know, because we ladies are all alike in our cinematic tastes.

Further down, he delves into his reasoning.

The wiseguys never have to work (the three friends never exert themselves except occasionally to do something fun, like steal a tractor-trailer truck), which frees them up to spend the days and nights doing what guys love above all else: sitting around with the gang, busting each other’s balls.

Uh, yeah, they do have to work. If they don’t work, if they don’t hustle, they’re dead. They were all about the hustle. But even if they weren’t, what, pray tell, about that would women not understand? Well, according to Kyle here, we don’t understand the concept of ball-busting.

Ball-busting means cheerfully insulting one another, preferably in the presence of lots of drinks and cigars and card games. (The “GoodFellas” guys are always at the card table, just as the Rat Pack were, while the “Entourage” guys love video games.)

Oh, is that what it means, Kyle? Thank you so much for shedding some light on that. I was truly confused. I’m so glad that I no longer have to go through life wondering what ball-busting means.

But for real though dude, don’t ever compare “Goodfellas” to freaking “Entourage” of all things. Shit. The most danger any of the “Entourage” would ever be in would be like, the one actor dude getting an uneven tan.

Women (except silent floozies) cannot be present for ball-busting because women are the sensitivity police: They get offended, protest that someone’s not being fair, refuse to laugh at vicious put-downs. In the male fantasy, all of this is unforgivable — too serious, too boring. Deal another hand, pour another drink.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOLFOREVERHA. Sorry, but men lose their shit over things like women making fun of “manspreading” and start screaming about how their balls need to be aired out (perhaps after being busted so much during a card game?). We’ve put up with more shit for more years than any man can possibly imagine. A man’s greatest fear is that women will laugh at him.

Besides, Lorraine Bracco could take any of them.

When the “Sex and the City” girls sit around at brunch, they’re a tightly knit clique — but their rule is to always be sympathetic and supportive as each describes her problems, usually revolving around the men in her life.

As “GoodFellas” shows us, guys hanging out together don’t really like to talk about the women in their lives because that’s too real. What we’d much rather do than discuss problems and “be supportive” is to keep the laughs coming — to endlessly bust each other’s balls.

I have never watched “Sex and the City.” You know who the only person in our family that watched “Sex and the City” is? My dad. His name is Dante and he grew up in Providence’s Federal Hill. But damnit–he loves “Sex and the City.” Why? Because it is possible, as a human, to find value in things you do not personally relate to. That is a huge part of the reason we read books and watch movies to begin with–because it’s a way of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes, whether they be Manolo Blahniks or more of the cement variety.

I also happen to know a lot of men who talk about girl problems way more than I ever talk about dudes. Not to mention a lot of men I constantly have to say “I’m kidding, seriously, just busting your balls” to. And some men I’ve explained aspects of “Goodfellas” to, like what “cornuto contente” actually means. Because all men are not Martin Scorcese characters. Except maybe a few of my uncles.

That being said, women are, in general, far more used to male-oriented media than men are to female-oriented media, just because of the culture we live in. By and large, the vast majority of books, films, television shows–most stories in general, are told from a male point of view. Media that tells men’s stories are for everyone, media that tells female stories are “just for women.”

Hell, I’ve met men who won’t even listen to female singers because they think it’ll make their dicks fall off or something. It’s very rare that women’s stories, or the stories of minorities in general, are marketed as universally appealing in the way that men’s stories, particularly straight white men’s stories are.

Kyle goes on explaining the plot of “Goodfellas”–with a continued stress on the ball-busting. I’m not kidding, the words “ball” and “balls” are in this article a total of 16 times.

I get the feeling he’s never actually had a close group of male friends and was always on the outside trying to get in by walking up and being all “BITCHES, amirite?” about things. It’s actually kind of sad. He fetishizes male friendships the way he fetishizes the mob, with an outsider’s perspective. “Goodfellas” isn’t even a particularly good example of male friendship, though I won’t spoil it for you.

In Italian, we have a word often used to denote a particularly misogynistic, boorish kind of man–cafone (you’ve heard it on TV before, it’s usually pronounced “gavone”). But this Keebler Elf-looking motherfucker is too much of a weenie to even be a cafone. He’s like the shit on a cafone’s shoe.

You know what you are Kyle? You’re a clown. You amuse me. Vaffanculo.