The 6 New Frappucino Flavors Sound Really, Really Gross

In honor(??) of the 20th anniversary of the Frappucino’s existence on this planet, Starbucks is releasing 6 new Frappucino flavors based on the most popular choices off their secret menu. These six flavors join the terrifying rotation of Frappucino flavors, all pert and bright-eyed, ready to blow away your taste buds with their FLAVOR EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!!

If you are a brave and daring individual with a healthy relationship with your dentist, feel free to try all of these. Vote on them, if that’s your thing — only 2 will make it out of these Frappucino Hunger games, and enter the permanent rotation. I have not had the pleasure of trying any of these things, but Cosmo did. They seemed to like them. Here, I have ranked them for you, from grossest to “If you’re buying, I guess.”

  1. Cotton Candy: I’m envisioning the bubble-gum flavor fluoride my dentist used to give me as a kid, mixed with the sludgy sugar at the bottom of an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts.
  2. Lemon Bar: Replicate this by spooning lemon curd into your iced coffee, or you know what, just don’t.
  3. Cinnamon Roll: A liquid shouldn’t ever really taste like what is already a perfect solid food.
  4. Cupcake: See #3, sub “perfect” for “adequate.
  5. Red Velvet: To be fair, sometimes red velvet cake is too much, but never have I ever wished for that taste experience distilled into something I can drink from a straw.
  6. Caramel Cocoa Cluster: This sounds like something I’d try to make while really stoned, by cramming a Heath bar, a dark chocolate Hershey’s bar and a Werther’s Original onto a Saltine. I’m game.