27 Things Daenerys Might Have Had To Do On Last Night’s “Game Of Thrones”
After what has been a slow, exposition-y season that only picked up after last week’s epic Ice Queen battle at Hardhome, the penultimate episode of “Game Of Thrones” reached down deep into the chests of viewers everywhere and ripped out our hearts. Shireen, the scaly-faced Princess of House Baratheon, met her expected-but-still-very-upsetting demise at the hands of a false god and, shockingly, her own father. Watching her pale and stony-faced mother collapse in horror as her only child burned on a pyre in front of her very eyes was gut-wrenching.
Thankfully, the cheerful writers tempered this touching scene of madness with an epic slaughter-fest in the fighting pits of Meereen. As Daenerys reluctantly proceeded over the bloody festivities, things turned deadly when the hissing Parselmouths, the Sons of the Harpy, rose from wherever it was they were hiding and proceed to fuck up everyone in their reach. Their intended goal, of course, was Daenerys, who was protected on all sides by her personal lover/fighter Daario Naharis, her determined ride-or-die Jorah and a gaggle of Unsullieds. But when shit started really hitting the fan, and it looked like Dany and her posse might not make it out alive, who came to her rescue? Why, it’s cross-eyed, rogue dragon Drogon, just stopping by on his way back home from the club, grabbing a snack and getting his mom the hell out of there.
Why did Daenerys hop on Drogon’s back and leave Daario, Jorah, Missandei, Tyrion and the rest on the ground, when they had been working tirelessly to save her ass? What the hell was so urgent that she needed to hop aboard the dragon express and bounce? Where is she even going? What did she have to do?
We have some theories:
- She just remembered she left the coffee-maker on.
- She really, really wants some Tostitos queso and Hint Of Lime chips, so she’s off to the deli!
- She was late for her dirty-30 celebration at Tao.
- She was late for her annual Pap smear.
- She really, really had to pee.
- She just remembered she’s out of tampons and Aunt Flo is coming.
- She went to get Band-Aids, because the scaly back and spikes of her dragon’s body really fucked her legs up.
- She’s on her way to St. Barths.
- She’s out of olive oil and she needs it for the paella.
- She forget to buy paper towels for the cleaning lady, and really, you know how she gets.
- She thinks she left the front door unlocked, but she’s not 100 percent sure, and it’s better be safe than sorry.
- She realized she forgot her phone charger, and she’s gonna be out for a while tonight, so.
- She’s got a hangover and could really use a seltzer and an egg and cheese on a roll.
- She just realized that everything she has been doing is an imperialist, colonialist nightmare and that she should probably get the fuck out of Meereen before it’s too late.
- She forgot to turn off the curling wand.
- She’s gotta go deposit money in the the ATM so her rent check clears.
- She has a conference call at 3 p.m. that she almost forgot about, thank god for Drogon, amirite????
- Time Warner’s eight-hour window for coming by and fixing her broken cable service was about to start.
- She’s going to introduce herself to Jon Snow, rip off his fur and do him in front of a roaring, smelly fire in Castle Black.
- She could use a shower.
- She heard about the Opening Ceremony sample sale.
- She’s late for brunch
- She really, really wants one of those new Red Velvet Frappucino.
- She just remembered that she hasn’t eaten anything today!
- She’s late for SoulCycle.
- Her Uber just showed up, but it is a dragon.
- She really, really didn’t want to be there anymore.