Sorry, Smug Moms! Your Placenta Smoothie Has No Actual Health Benefits

Do you know what today is? Today is my birthday! And so far, the best present I have gotten is this news that–as it turns out, there are literally no health benefits to consuming your own placenta after giving birth. So all those placenta pills, and placenta smoothies and placenta pizza and placenta cannoli or whatever? They are all for naught. You have been being gross, and smug about it, for no reason whatsoever.

In fact, eating placenta may actually be bad for you! That’s right! There are apparently unknown risks to placentophagy that could be harmful to you and your breastfeeding infant.

[A] new Northwestern Medicine review of 10 current published research studies on placentophagy did not turn up any human or animal data to support the common claims that eating the placenta — either raw, cooked or encapsulated — offers protection against postpartum depression, reduces post-delivery pain, boosts energy, helps with lactation, promotes skin elasticity, enhances maternal bonding or replenishes iron in the body.

More concerning, there are no studies examining the risk of ingesting the placenta, called placentophagy, which acts as a filter to absorb and protect the developing fetus from toxins and pollutants, scientists said.

‘There are no regulations as to how the placenta is stored and prepared, and the dosing is inconsistent,’ Coyle said. ‘Women really don’t know what they are ingesting.’

According to the scientists who participated in the study, most of the women who engage in placentophagy do so not because it is recommended by their doctors, but because they read about it on the internet and celebrities like Kourtney Kardashian and Alicia Silverstone are way into it.

I cannot say that I understand for sure why anyone would take medical advice from either of those people, or from bloggers. Trust me– the only medical advice that I, a blogger, am qualified to give you is “Talk to a doctor or a medical professional, because I definitely failed bio in high school.”

I suppose I feel really validated here, because I have always felt like placenta enthusiasts were overly smug and pretentious and probably thought they were way better than all the other women who didn’t eat their own placentas, and that shit always sounded like some serious woo to me anyway.

I digress! In conclusion, don’t eat your goddamned placenta, you fucking weirdos! Because it’s not going to do anything other than make me want to throw up, and it’s probably bad for you anyway!