Lifetime’s “Full House” Movie Is Not A Porn Parody, Even Though It Sure Looks Like One

Those beautiful geniuses at Lifetime are cooking up another one of their unauthorized behind-the-scenes movies about a beloved relic from your childhood. Here is the first look at the cast for the The Unauthorized Full House Story.” Don’t look at this picture for too long; that hell spawn masquerading as Uncle Jesse will eat your soul.

What the hell is happening here? Who are those people? Why does “D.J” look like a hobbit? Why is Uncle Joey’s forehead so big? Why does Uncle Jesse look like the result of a one-night stand between John Travolta and Delta Burke’s hair, circa “Designing Women”? Why does that Stephanie bear not even a passing resemblance to the real Stephanie except for the fact that she is blonde and of comparable height? Why do I prefer weirdo-Michelle to the Olsen twins, somehow? Why does that Danny Tanner look like he’s probably really inappropriate on set? Why is Uncle Jesse’s giant oven mitt of a hand CLUTCHING fake-Stephanie’s shoulder like he’s going to drag her down into the pits of hell where he lives? Why does it look like all of these actors could be starring in a low-budget porn parody shot in someone’s paved over backyard in the Valley? Why is this happening?

The behind the scenes story will spill all the tea of what really happened on the set of your favorite show from childhood, proving finally that very little is sacred and everything we hold dear is going to be fed into the content-nostalgia-machine and spit out as a piss-poor replica of its former self.

FULL HOUSE OH WOW

[h/t AVClub]