35 Things About Chuck Johnson That May Or May Not Be True, Who Knows???

A very strange story came out on Buzzfeed and Jezebel yesterday that involved an anonymous source who had filed a complaint against Paul Nungesser, the man who allegedly raped performance artist Emma Sulkowicz at Columbia. Chuck Johnson, a guy who thinks that journalism constitutes digging up contact information about people who he thinks might be lying and then offering it to his small but loud army of fans to do with what they will, seems to have fraudulently used the identity of Buzzfeed reporter Jessica Testa in order to lock down information about that anonymous source. Which it turns out is illegal! Unfortunately, he’s refusing to confirm that he was indeed the fraudulent Testa, although it’s notable that his not-news site GotNews was the one to publish the source’s identifying information, and that this behavior is nowhere near being out of line with his previous behavior in the name of “journalism.”

Funny thing, Chuck Johnson’s version of journalism. It’s based mostly on speculation. The only hard, concrete fact in any of the “fake rape” stories on GotNews is that a person exists. Past that, it’s just Chuck Johnson supposing that that person who exists did something that he doesn’t like, presenting that supposition as an actual, objective truth, and by publishing that person’s contact information, implicitly encouraging his readership to harass that person. In the spirit of Chuck Johnson’s version of “journalism,” I would like to propose to you the fact that Chuck Johnson exists. Because he exists, any of the following statements about him may or may not be true. Who knows?

  1. Maybe Chuck Johnson wears poop as a hat.
  2. Maybe Chuck Johnson saves his toenail clippings and eats them as a snack later.
  3. Maybe Chuck Johnson likes Creed.
  4. Maybe Chuck Johnson watches cat pornography.
  5. Maybe Chuck Johnson wanted to be Ross Geller when he grew up.
  6. Maybe Chuck Johnson thinks there’s really something to be said about Hitler’s public charisma.
  7. Maybe Chuck Johnson thinks that everything on The History Channel is absolutely credible.
  8. Maybe Chuck Johnson pees sitting down.
  9. Maybe Chuck Johnson poops standing up.
  10. Maybe Chuck Johnson fucks a blanket.
  11. Maybe Chuck Johnson sticks his finger in his belly button and smells it obsessively.
  12. Maybe Chuck Johnson is Santa Claus.
  13. Maybe Chuck Johnson thinks the proper order is to take a shower, then take a shit.
  14. Maybe Chuck Johnson is the real villain on that terrible new show “The Whispers.”
  15. Maybe Chuck Johnson’s skin underneath his clothes is lizard skin.
  16. Maybe Chuck Johnson is a Juggalo.
  17. Maybe Chuck Johnson is the Babadook.
  18. Maybe Chuck Johnson spends his nights crying softly into his pillow while listening to the first volume of NOW That’s What I Call Music!, because he just wants to be young again. Zoot Suit Riot, Chuck. Throw back a bottle of beer.
  19. Maybe Chuck Johnson wishes he was one of the middle parts of a human centipede.
  20. Maybe Chuck Johnson sits in front of a mirror and stares deeply into his own eyes from 9-4:30, Monday through Friday.
  21. Maybe Chuck Johnson habitually pisses on freshly-dug graves, right after the funeral party leaves.
  22. Maybe Chuck Johnson likes to lick doorknobs when your back is turned.
  23. Maybe Chuck Johnson is practicing a stage trick wherein he projectile-shoots confetti out of his butthole.
  24. Maybe Chuck Johnson is responsible for the cancellation of both “Firefly” and “Freaks and Geeks.”
  25. Maybe Chuck Johnson hates your dog.
  26. Maybe Chuck Johnson has a Tweety Bird tattoo.
  27. Maybe Chuck Johnson is lonely.
  28. Maybe Chuck Johnson’s favorite character on “Scandal” is Fitz.
  29. Maybe Chuck Johnson has been body-snatched by pod people.
  30. Maybe Chuck Johnson has an irrational, obsessive hatred of Jeff Bridges.
  31. Maybe Chuck Johnson teleported, but the technology was imperfect, and he had dog shit on his shoe when he did it, so now he’s part-Chuck, part-shit.
  32. Maybe Chuck Johnson loves Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom but really doesn’t care for Raiders of the Lost Ark or The Last Crusade.
  33. Maybe Chuck Johnson pees in public pools.
  34. Maybe Chuck Johnson one time, after having a big burrito for lunch, even left a floater.
  35. Maybe Chuck Johnson is allergic to friendship.

If you want to pitch him any of these stories, go ahead and contact him at [email protected]. I’d point you to his Twitter account, but oh yeah, he’s been banned. Fancy that.



Send me a line at [email protected] and follow me on Facebook.