Dennis Hastert Feels “Victimized” By Alleged Sex Abuse Victim

Dennis Hastert is in quite the buttload of trouble these days. The former House Speaker is set to be arraigned on Thursday for having (allegedly) paid off a man he (allegedly) sexually abused as a child while he was a high school teacher and wrestling coach. He’s actually being arraigned in Chicago, where I live, so I am hoping to somehow finagle my way in and giggle maniacally the whole time while doing Mr. Burns fingers and smiling gleefully every time he squirms.

In case you haven’t kept up, Hastert paid a man (referred to as “Individual A”) $3.5 million dollars over the course of several years in increments of under $10,000 so as not to have to the banks report it to the government. This was basically a blackmail scheme, as Hastert was paying Individual A to keep quiet about what is now being referred to as “sexual misconduct.” According to one of the officials overseeing his indictment, “[i]t was sex.”

Now, reportedly, another former student (who didn’t demand money from Hastert) has come forward with his own allegations of “sexual misconduct.”

This is, of course, heavily ironic given Hastert’s record on gay rights–which, given that he’s a Republican, was not so good.

Naturally, however, Hastert has yet to exhibit any contrition for having sexually abused a teenager or for having paid him off to keep his mouth shut. In fact, get this–he reportedly told friends “I am a victim, too.”

Really? Really? What is with these people? Who would have the utter gall to suggest that they are a victim when we are talking about them having sexually abused a teenager while working as a high school teacher and wrestling coach? Sure. He had to pay out a fuck ton of money. But he also got to sexually abuse someone without that ever having affected his political career. I’d say he came out of this pretty well.

We are now just going to have to count down the days before conservative pundits start talking about how Hastert has “repented” and is totally holy now, just like they did with Josh Duggar. It will happen, just you wait.

I am really starting to wonder now though–do Conservatives feel like sexual abuse is a thing that is OK so long as it is Conservative Republicans doing it? Because they are always worrying about “the children” and how they are going to explain gay people and trans people, or even genitals to their “children”–and yet they seem far less worried about how to explain Josh Duggar and Dennis Hastert to their children. Why is that?

I get that it sucks to find out people you like have done terrible things. I mean, I was a huge Moxy Fruvoüs fan, and was certainly severely disappointed to find out that Jian Ghomeshi was a creep. But it’s not like I put my hands over my ears and insisted that he either wasn’t guilty or that it didn’t matter if he was, simply because “My Baby Loves A Bunch Of Authors” was my jam in high school. But the way they handle things like this is gross, and it needs to stop.

Dennis Hastert is not a victim. His victims are victims. Dennis Hastert also, like the Duggars, has to shut up forever about “family values” and “protecting the children.”

Because the statute of limitations is up, Hastert is only up for jail time for the banking fraud and not for the sexual abuse. Still, I hope he does get sent there, and that I get a picture of him behind bars to gloat over for a while.

[CBS Chicago]