Sorry, Kylie Jenner, Chemtrails Are Not Real

It looks as though we may have a new celebrity member of the tin foil hat club! Kylie Jenner — whom Amelia informs me is the one with the lips who is dating Tyga — tweeted a fairly bizarre meme last night inferring that she is concerned about chemtrails. Or, perhaps, “khemtrails.”

75 planes? Really? 75 planes in 15 minutes? That is a shit ton of planes. That is too many planes. It’s impossible! They would all crash into each other! Not only is it highly unlikely that anyone is seeing “75 planes” on their way to work — unless their drive to work involves circling an airport for several hours — but no one is paying for any planes to spray chemicals into the air for the purposes of exterminating Kylie Jenner or anyone else for that matter.

You see, when planes fly in the air, they produce contrails made up of water vapor and exhaust. I am not a meteorologist, though, so let’s let the Encyclopedia Brittanica explain what they are:

Vapour trail, also called Condensation Trail, or Contrail, is a stream of cloud sometimes observed behind an airplane flying in clear, cold, humid air. It forms upon condensation of the water vapour produced by the combustion of fuel in the airplane engines. When the ambient relative humidity is high, the resulting ice-crystal plume may last for several hours. The trail may be distorted by the winds, and sometimes it spreads outwards to form a layer of cirrus cloud. On rare occasions, when the air is nearly saturated with water vapour, air circulation at the wing tips of an airplane may cause sufficient pressure and temperature reductions to cause cloud streamers to form.

For those of you not up to date on all the things crazy people believe, there are a lot of people who believe that these contrails from planes are not simply clouds formed by water vapor and exhaust, but in fact chemicals that the government is spraying us to either kill us, keep us compliant, regulate the climate, keep the population under control by sterilizing people or some other bizarre thing. Depending on who you talk to.

These conspiracy theorists also insist that chemtrails and contrails are different things, and that you can tell the difference by how long they last in the sky. However, the fact is that contrails just look different sometimes based on the weather and the level of humidity in the air at the time.

Some of them also believe that one can “fight” these chemtrails by spraying vinegar at the sky. Like, by standing in your back yard with a spray bottle, spraying vinegar up in the air that is supposed to travel 30,000 feet and dissolve said “chemtrails.”

They will also tell you to “do your own research,” which is a phrase beloved by conspiracy theorists everywhere. By this, they do not mean reading what actual scientists and meteorologists have to say on the subject, but instead to crazy YouTubers with no background in science who are literally sitting around just making up weird stuff all day because they want to live in a more exciting and mysterious world than the one we actually live in.

This is a poor idea. I mean, yes, you should research things, but it’s important to be researching the right things, from the right people. Anyone can write anything on the internet. I could write a whole post insisting that Elvis is not really dead but is in fact living with the Grand Duchess Anastasia and the Lindbergh baby in a trailer outside Area 51, which they refuse to leave because they all have Morgellons caused by consuming too much fluoridated water and vaccines, that doesn’t make it true.

I’m sorry to say this, but this sort of bullshit is most adamantly believed by incredibly stupid people who like to feel like they are smart–perhaps smarter than scientists.

I get that Kylie Jenner probably has no idea what she’s tweeting about–she probably just thinks she’s reposting some good natured “Yay, the environment!” stuff. But people believing stupid things like this is not entirely harmless. It creates an environment where people are paranoid about all the wrong things. While people who believe in this stuff often view themselves as “waking up”–they are actually just directing all their energy towards bullshit while the really harmful stuff goes overlooked.

Like the bee thing, which is actually true, but has nothing to do with chemtrails.

ADDENDUM: No, I am not a paid shill for the government. Chemtrails just are not real. However, if the government would like to hand me some cash for pointing out the obvious, I would not turn it down. You know, because free money is pretty awesome.