6 Feminist Roleplays For The Bedroom

Feminist sex is the sexiest sex, we all know it. Your bedroom game is probably already so stellar that Beyonce’s recording a song about it at this very moment, but these six roleplays will add a little feminist context to your already flawless love life. Say goodbye to lame listicles promising a wild night playing up awkward paternalistic fantasies; these six scenarios are guaranteed to balance freaky with female-friendly.

Author’s note: these are all tested and approved, multiple times over, by my partner and me. You’re welcome.

1. The Kink of “The Craft”

“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become witches.” I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Pat Robertson is totally right. Time to call the corners, you horny witches. If Hollywood is allowed to resurrect “The Craft,” then you’re more than qualified to remake it in bed. To play it safe, cast a circle around your favorite vibrator and gently douse everyone’s genitals in pure sea salt. Witches are so hot right now (now that we’re passed the whole burning hundreds of suspected practitioners at the stake, thing). But certainly “The Craft” wasn’t the first ever witch film, so feel free to integrate your other fave witchy moments. From the moment Sissy Spacek was pelted with sanitary napkins by a bunch of girls in a locker room shower — one of my ultimate fantasies – “Carrie” has been my sexual idol, and I expect every other woman feels the same way. If you can still distinguish the difference between your own fluid and the pig’s blood … you aren’t doing it right. Oh, and I guess leave your husband, kill your kids, and destroy capitalism while you’re at it.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Sex Hack: Light as a Feather takes on a whole other level when a bunch of penises are what’s holding you up!

2. The Punk Singer

Rejoice ’90 girls! Riot grrl’s badass founder Kathleen Hanna is back with a vengeance across college campuses and dirty basement venues across the country. And now you have a backstage pass to her backside. One partner gets to play the Rebel Girl herself, meeting her biggest fan at a Gender Studies symposium. If you have the hair for it, hoist Hanna’s locks into a sky-high ponytail and talk dirty to each other with a Valley Girl twang. Once the clothes start coming off, consensually and aggressively, introduce a black Sharpie or lipstick and have some fun scribbling sweet nothings on each other’s bodies. She’ll have you believing in the radical possibilities of pleasure in no time, babe.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Sex Hack: Take some hints from your favorite riot grrl classics in all their explicit glory: make “Suck My Left One” your battle cry of the evening.

3. The Sex Files

I want to believe … that we’re gonna get it on, Scully. After the initial/inevitable argument over who gets to wear the red wig in this relationship, one partner will play Scully and the other chooses between playing Mulder or unexplained phenomenon du jour. Begin by cultivating palpable sexual tension through “Will they, won’t they?” brushes of physical contact and quick banter. Smart is sexy, and dirty talk here should be riddled with foreshadow and intrigue. Do you see a probing in the near future? Who is that rando creep chain-smoking in the corner? Why did you invite your sister, Mulder? And don’t forget, the Scully of this tryst should stare incredulously no matter what her partner tries to do to her. As for costumes? The more realistic, the better. Bulky lab goggles, pantsuits, and ties are more than welcome. Strobe lights will create sensual, alien-abduction-like mood lighting. Guarantee: things will get extraterrestrial, fast.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Sex Hack: Monologue afterwards in exclusively polysyllabic terms about whether the truth is out there, or if it got lost in the anal probing.

4. Orange is the New Sexy

Ah yes, the classic power play fantasy: captor and prisoner, prison shower scenes that would make Pamela Grier wet, light handcuff play and starchy fabrics … child’s play. Bring a little intersectional feminist charge to this scenario as a new inmate at Litchfield is taken under the wing of their favorite inmate (oh, hi there, Watson). How to begin: learn the ropes (maybe literally) of trading goods for “the goods,” taking crazy-quick showers before you’re blasted with cold water, and getting creative with tools from the shed. Have fun with it! And definitely keep the accessories simple, this is a hardcore prison filled with gorgeous television stars, after all. Are sexy librarians your thing? Dig up a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and eyeliner, and smuggle more than drugs into husky-voiced bad girl, Alex. Want to see your favorite non-couple finally get together? Bring wit, affection, and a sense of humor into the bedroom with cuddle buddies Poussey and Taystee. With sexy ladies across age, ethnicity, and body type represented on this show — you’ll find your type somewhere! And if all else fails, draw on some temporary tattoos, slick your hair back, and pout: Ruby Rose is joining the cast for Season 3, and pre-gaming on the overload of androgynous sex appeal on Tumblr is a universal panty dropper. It’s a woman’s world at Litchfield, and we all just fantasize about fucking in it.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Sex Hack: Start a countdown to the season three premiere this summer! And then, you know, cancel all your plans for June 12th. When you aren’t marathoning “OITNB,” you’ll be busy recreating your favorite scenes a little more horizontally.

5. You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin But Mamamals…

Or, you know, whatever, fish. What better way to fuck with gender, than to fuck with genders? Take a cue from the clownfish, a sex-altering badass matriarch of the deep. To recreate the oceanic atmosphere, fill your bathtub or sink with cold, salty water and squeeze everyone in for some water works. In this body positive scenario, the female clownfish not only gets to reign supreme over the little male fish in her harem, but her Amazonian (by comparison) size is revered. And when she’s done living it up and dies, the next biggest male bulks up and changes his fucking sex to female. Yeah. So channel that, in the least fishy way possible. Maybe keep a bunch of tiny dudes around the edge of your throne and select one at random. Check. Now here’s where things get kinky: while doing it the way you imagine fish have crazy fish sex, switch genders. One partner may usually take on a more dominant, patriarchal attitude during sex and if that gets you off, hot. But now you’re gonna switch off back and forth, like clownfish. It’s science. Don’t argue.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Sex Hack: If there was ever a time to play up your least favorite stereotypes, this is it. Whenever it’s someone’s turn to play male, put on the work boots, Bruce Springsteen jeans circa “Born in the USA,” and a smoking jacket. Talk dirty by talking sports, major investments you have lined up, and how much you miss your bro Steve right now. Then when it’s time to play female, slick on some lipstick and suck the first even vaguely phallic thing you can find. Cry over commercials about puppies, wish the guy you were fucking was actually the entirety of One Direction (come home, Zayn), and think about how much you would rather be eating pizza with Jennifer Lawrence. Gender: what fun!

6. Planned Pantsless-ness

In honor of Margaret Sanger’s under-reported freak tendencies, you and a lucky partner will be bringing the Planned Parenthood founder back to life between the sheets. Wanna get really weird? Add a time travel element: a modern day clinic escort who, after spending an afternoon fighting for women’s right to choose by fighting off protesters, summons the original pro-choice badass for some words of wisdom. Needless to say, Margaret will have a lot to learn about the modern pro-choice movement … in her vagina. Margaret Sanger was a woman who appreciated the finer things in life, like fly hats and jewelry; so don’t be afraid to incorporate dress from another era! A string of fake pearls, chilled in the freezer for a few hours, makes a fun toy.

Toni Gimme-Morrison Pro-Tip: If there was one rule that maverick Margaret probably followed, it was that consent is sexy. Think of a safe word together that she would use. These are just a few guesses:

  • SMASH THE PATRIARCHY, NOT MY CERVIX
  • SUFFRAGE
  • MOON PRISM POWER (wink nudge: cause periods and moon cycles, get it? And because Sailor Moon transcends time)
  • NOT TODAY, COMSTOCK

And no matter whom you play with, don’t leave Sanger rolling in her grave (in an unfun way): practice safe sex, kids.