20 Questions I Have For Tiny House People

It seems like every time I turn on HGTV, I’m greeted by another grinning couple on the screen showing off their 250-square foot house that they cram themselves and their three small children into, proudly declaring they are part of the “small house movement.” Despite their tiny digs, these people are always, always, very financially comfortable. Rich, even. You see, they live in a small house by choice, which they are always very quick to point out. One may insist that living in a McMansion is pretentious, but how is it any less pretentious to martyr yourself by cramming all your stuff into a tiny space (a thing poor people have been doing, not by choice, for hundreds of years) and then brag about it to everyone you know? I get wanting to live a minimalist lifestyle. I get wanting to resist consumerism. What I don’t get is why some people seem to believe that either of these things require building yourself a closet-sized home out of salvaged wood. I’m sure plenty of tiny house people are perfectly decent humans. I haven’t seen this movie, but those people look pretty nice. Fine, even. Still, nice or not, I have a few questions for them…

1. Does it feel cool to build your house with your own hands?

2. Why didn’t you move into a house that is REASONABLY small instead of FREAKISHLY small?

3. Did you know there are lots of REASONABLY small houses on the market each and every day?

4.  Like, why cross over into the point where you’re actively making yourself suffer?

5. If it’s that much more work to withstand a freakishly small space, is it really that much better for the world/your sense of ethics than living in a giant house?

6. Do you actually use all that outdoor space you presumably have on your lot since the house is so small?

7. Does living this way make you feel free?

8. Where do you store suitcases and off-season decor and your vacuum?

9. Maybe you don’t even need a vacuum since you have so little floor to clean?

10. Do you ever get really, really sick of the people you live with cause you have to stare at their faces 24/7 with no extra rooms to retreat to?

11. Does living in a tiny house ruin your marriage?

12. Do you just become especially tolerant of your spouse’s annoying quirks?

13. Does doing this actually save you money or are you just spending more in the long haul because now you can only buy like, extra-special tiny customizable furniture so everything can fold into the walls when you’re not using it?

14. Do the kids get sad that they can never have a wall between themselves and Mom, to do private kid things like play pretend and develop a separate identity?

15. Do you remember having a strong need to feel special throughout your early life?

16. Did you ever consider just buying a mobile home, the original “tiny house”?

17. Or a nice camper?

18. Do you realize that when you act like you invented sliced bread by discovering that smaller homes are cheap and sustainable, you’re ignoring the fact that people have lived in said mobile homes for decades?

19. Does living in a tiny house change the way you look at life?

20. What’s with the moral superiority complex?