WWJDD: “Should I Start Faking My Orgasms?”

Editor’s Note

After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.

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First up, a woman who promised her boyfriend that she would never to fake an orgasm — but after years of not climaxing during sex, she’s wondering if it’s time to start…

At the beginning of my relationship, I told my boyfriend that I would not fake an orgasm. This seemed like a good idea at the time because I wanted to be honest with him and myself. My theory was, perhaps the guilt of lying would influence bedtime canoodling negatively. Two years later, I have stuck to my word. I have also never had an orgasm during sex.

Before I met him, I would fake it all of the time. Only twice did I not have to fake it. I am not sure how it happened then or why this unicorn is so elusive. I can orgasm alone just fine. With this longtime boyfriend, I find myself shrugging my shoulders after sex and feeling like I need to apologize. He has never complained about it, but it is like an unspoken frustration we both feel.

This is the longest relationship I have ever been in. Do you think after all of this time of promising not to fauxgasm, I should fake it to expel the elephant in the room? On one hand I am breaking a promise and on the other hand it might clear the air for better sex. Please let me know what you – in your infinite wisdom – think.

I definitely do not support the idea of faking an orgasm. I think it teaches negative sexual habits – your boyfriend will be led to believe whatever he did to give you that quote-unquote “orgasm” was good and will thus continue to provide you with orgasms, when it won’t. It’s just going to hurt you and your sex life in the long run. Plus, it’s lying and I’m a big fan of honesty.

Listen, you’re normal. What you see in adult films, with all the coming, is not normal, that is not how sex works. Many women are like you and are only to be able to have an orgasm by themselves and not during intercourse. The late-20s to early-30s is when orgasming maybe begins to be a regular, more usual thing with partners, but that’s still if it’s even happening during sex at all. Don’t feel as if you’re doing something bad or wrong. You’re normal – you are the average.

I’m sure it sucks. I’m not saying, “Oh yeah, it’s great you’re not orgasming!” but sex can be fun without orgasms. The fun of sex is SEX. It’s connecting with another human being, be it an emotional bond, or a physical bond, or just something fun to do together.

If you can achieve orgasm by yourself, are you able to grab a vibrator and do some mutual masturbation? Or be held in your dude’s arms and masturbate while he holds you? What makes the sexual experience have to end when it ends? Why is achieving orgasm through intercourse the end of sex? We’ve been conditioned to think sex is perfect, it’s done in this way, it starts at this point and it ends at this point. Sex doesn’t need to be that. That’s the beauty of sex – there’s no right or wrong way to do it. It’s personal.

Delivering a woman to orgasm is not an admirable quality. The reason I like making women come is because it makes me feel good – it’s not an admirable quality. Your boyfriend’s desire to make you come could be completely selfish, an attempt to affirm his self worth and value. Sex is weird and egos are weird. Girls are insane, guys are assholes, and realistically, there are going to be issues in relationships that are motivated by those insane and assholeish behaviors. “Oh, he’s so giving and admirable, he’s trying to make you come!” Who fuckin’ knows? He may just want to be able to sit there with his buddies and brag, “Oh yeah, I made my girl come!” Without having any information beyond that you’re having trouble orgasming and feel uncomfortable about it, all I’m here to say is, what you’re doing and what’s happening with you is normal. There are no requirements. I understand wanting the orgasm, but it’s not going to come (heh, come) by faking it. That will be counterproductive and damaging to the relationship.

You can’t sit there and go through a fucking instructional book of how to have sex because that instructional book might not be applicable to your body or your situation. But you can enjoy sex for all the reasons why you do enjoy sex. Fuck this orgasm shit, fuck all this shit. Take a step back. Strip all this shit away, sit in a room and think: Why do I have sex? What is my reason for doing this? Is it because I want to have an orgasm? Because it sounds like you can have orgasms by yourself, so if you want to have an orgasm, you can have a fucking orgasm.

Is one of the reasons you have sex because you want to please your partner? If that’s the case, does your partner not feel pleased when you don’t have an orgasm? If so, then maybe you should engage in some sort of masturbatory act so they can get involved in your orgasm. Is it just because you want to make him come and feel good? Is it because sex feels good even if you’re not having an orgasm?

Sex feels better to me than an orgasm does. When I come, it’s boring. It’s stupid. I hate coming! It’s over quickly, and I’m getting old so I can’t just come and keep my dick hard and keep fucking like I did when I was 18. Now when I come, I’m like, Aww, now my dick’s not going to be as hard and it’s going to be harder for me to fuck. I like sex. For me, orgasms aren’t important. I’d rather pee. Peeing is a more gratifying feeling to me than an orgasm. I. LIKE. SEX. All of the pieces and details and things about sex that are so fucking wonderful and interesting, that’s why I have sex. So think about why you have sex. What about sex do you like, do you enjoy, do you do it for? And then JUST DO THAT. If you’re doing it just to have an orgasm, just go have an orgasm.

Figure out your motivations, not anyone else’s – not society, not the way you’ve been trained. Really try to strip it all down and think, Why do I want to get fucked? Why do I want to fuck? Do I even want to fuck or do I want to make love? What do I want to do and why do I want to do it? What about this is entertaining to me? If you’ve been having sex with your partner for years and years and years, and it’s been an enjoyable experience despite not coming, think about why you’ve kept at it and the reasons why you enjoy it. I can’t imagine the only reason you’ve been having sex is to achieve an orgasm, because you haven’t had them, and you probably would have stopped having sex a long time ago. Figure out what it is that you enjoy and DO THAT. Enjoy sex for the reasons that you like it.

Want to know what James Deen would do? Email your questions to [email protected]!