PSA: 10 Reasons We Cannot Allow Low-Rise Jeans To Make A Comeback

So Vogue has declared that low-rise jeans  — those tight, hip-slung, crack-exposing disasters we all were stupid enough to wear back in the mid-’90s — are back. “We are in the midst of a denim renaissance!” Kelly Connor declares with grating enthusiasm. “The short zipper, the three-button fly, the nonexistent waistband . . . these low-rise jeans demand confidence, strategy—and let’s be honest, some crunches.” What we were saying about men getting dadbad and women GETTING FUCKING SCREWED again?

UGH. No, no, no, no. I am putting my foot down. I am pretty sure I have scars on my hips from wearing jeans that squeeze my fleshy bits this tightly. And not to sound like a prude, but I’m saving my mons pubis for my lengthy list of casual sex partners — it’s for their eyes only!

Seriously, to reiterate, wear what you want, but low-rise jeans give everyone muffin top (delicious when made of, say, carrot cake, uncomfy when made of hip/back flesh), make it impossible to drop it like it’s hot without exposing your thong, and basically require some level of pubic hair grooming. Also, they can look ridiculous as the slideshow above featuring various ’90s stars clearly illustrates. Join me in SAYING NO to getting LOW. [Vogue]