Salads, Ranked.

Any casual viewer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” will notice that they spend a lot of time eating on that show. They eat sandwiches with side salads at weird sidewalk cafes in Calabasas. They eat while sitting on the couch, discussing Kourtney’s post-baby vagina. They eat enough on camera — a rarity for episodic reality television — that there is a Tumblr dedicated to the banality of this very act, just an endless scrolling screen of Kim, Kourtney and Khloe putting forkfuls of pasta, salad, Doritos, ramen noodles and peanut butter toast past their glossed lips and directly into their mouths.

Unlike the staged dinners of the Real Housewives franchise, where the restaurant is merely another set for a contrived argument, the Kardashians eat food like normal people do — frequently, and with gusto.

There is no food more iconic in the Kardashian oeuvre then the salad. So many conversations are had while the girls sit across from each other at a blandly sunny table, stabbing in vain at tiny pieces of lettuce out of a plastic clamshell. The salads look vaguely unappetizing, a limp collection of lettuces and weird toppings. Nothing spectacular. What the fuck is even in those salads? Glamour did their finest journalism to date, and found out. The answer is so refreshingly basic that it affirms my belief that these women are worthy of my attention.

One is a simple Chef Salad with chicken, romaine and iceberg lettuce, shredded mozzarella, tomatoes, sprouts, and sunflower seeds, while the other is a Chinese Chicken Salad with chow mein noodles, pickled ginger, and carrots on romaine and iceberg lettuce.

Yikes. A chef salad? A “Chinese Chicken” salad?  They are not good salads. They are gross salads, poor excuses for the genre, a weird combination of lackluster ingredients that can’t possibly be that good. There are better salads out there. Here’s our definitive ranking.

CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD

12. Chinese Chicken Salad: This racist salad is comprised of things that do not belong together in a salad bowl, including but not limited to fried wonton skins and mandarin orange segments. Please do not ever order this salad. It is racist and not good.

CHEF SALAD

11. Chef Salad: Here’s a horrible idea: Pile cold cuts, slimy and shiny, into a bowl with cubes of cheese naked from a crudite platter, onto a bed of wimpy iceberg and some handfuls of wilted romaine. Douse in Wishbone Italian dressing, or, if you’re traditional, Thousand Island. Eat. Try to keep it down.

TACO SALAD

10. Taco Salads: Why ruin what is a fine collection of traditional salad fixings by plopping it into a taco shell and adding ground beef. Ground beef does not belong on a salad. Ever.

KALE SALAD

9. Kale Salad: I liked a kale salad the first three times I had one, but it is now 2015 and I think I have eaten a variation on this theme at least 1009298 times. HARD PASS.

 

ARUGULA SALAD

8. Arugula Salad; Getting there. As long as the arugula does not become slimy and wilty, and there is an absence of any offending fruit(strawberries) and an abundance of Parm, we are good to go.

CAPRESE SALAD

7. Caprese Salad: A fine salad. A fair salad. Hardly a salad, because it’s just cheese and tomatoes, with some basil if you think of it, but still, it works.

CHOPT

6. Make your own salad: I have one friend that won’t set foot in a chopped salad establishment, and the Chop’t salad lizard has ruined Christmas for a wide variety of people, but you know what, they let me make my own fucking salad. The world is my plastic-clamshell salad container, and I’ll take it.

GREEK SALAD

5. Greek Salad: Close! There are tomatoes; good. Large chunks of feta; good. The dressing, inoffensive and non-gloppy; very good. It’s light and doesn’t rely on fluff. Good salad. Strong salad.

COBB SALAD

4. Cobb Salad: Feel virtuous because there’s lettuce, but remind yourself that the lettuce is actually a vehicle for blue cheese, bacon and hardboiled egg. Strong choice. Subversive choice.

CAESAR SALAD

3. Caesar Salad: A well executed Caesar is all about the dressing, which should be sharp enough to make your nose burn and render you a social pariah for the rest of the evening. I love this salad.

NICOISE SALAD

2. Salade Niçoise: The only salad that is a full mean, but you run the risk of a mushy haricot vert, which is horrible. So close, Niçoise. So close.

WEDGE SALAD

1. The Wedge Salad: It uses the least nutritious lettuce option. It is essentially a wedge of ice-cold water-leaves, covered in buttermilk herb dressing, scattered with bacon. It is the ultimate “fuck you” salad. I am here for it, 100%.

[All images of weird salads via Shutterstock]