LOLFOREVER: Super Holy Republican Resigns Amid Teen Sexting Scandal

Teehee! You know how yesterday we told you the story of John Diehl, the very holy Republican Missouri House Speaker, who totally hated birth control and the gays but looooooooooved sexting 18 year-old girls about how he was going to make their bodies “quiver?” And how she was denying it and he was pretty much avoiding the whole thing?

Well! He eventually ended up admitting it and “apologizing.”

“I take full responsibility for my actions and am truly sorry to those I let down. I apologize for the poor judgment I displayed that put me and those closest to me in this situation. I also regret that the woman has been dragged into this situation. The buck stops here. I ask for forgiveness. I will begin immediately working to restore the trust of those closest to me, and getting back to the important work that is required in the final days of session.”

“The woman,” he says. Sheesh.

However, as it turns out, Diehl will not be getting back to any important work in the final days of session, because he has resigned. WOMP WOMP. He explained, in said resignation, all about how he made a “serious error in judgment.”

“I have acknowledged making a serious error in judgment by sending the text messages,” Diehl said in the statement announcing his resignation, as quoted by The Kansas City Star. “It was wrong and I am truly sorry. Too often we hear leaders say they’re sorry but are unwilling to accept the consequences. I understand that, as a leader, I am responsible for my actions and I am willing to face the consequences.”

I don’t know. An “error in judgment” makes it sound like he bought a pair of bright yellow formal shorts or something. Not like he, you know, tried to get with his 18 year-old intern while being married, and also while trying to deny women birth control and prevent gay people from getting married.

You know, I must tell you. I think that there is just something that happens to you when you go around trying to legislate everyone else’s sex life. Like, suddenly, either you realize you’re actually gay yourself, or you end up cheating on your wife with an 18-year-old intern. One of the two! I mean, really. It happens way too often to not be a thing.

But let this be a warning! Those of you who want to prevent women from having access to birth control and abortion? Those of you who want to prevent gay people from getting married? Who say you are doing this because of how “moral” you are? You had better actually be as “moral” as you claim, and as you want others to be. You better be pure as the driven snow. You better not have any kind of freaky side. You had better be practicing that “traditional biblical marriage” you speak of so highly. Because guess what? We will find you out. Count on it. And it will not be pretty.

[Kansas City Star]

[Talking Points Memo]