Here Is Our Dream Cast For The Upcoming Remake Of “The Craft”

We live in a world where original ideas are on short order, where bland sitcoms from the 90s are being dragged from their slumber and forced to dance once again. Nostalgia is the new cultural capital, folks, get into it, or get out! But this recent entry into the remake Olympics has us feeling some type of way, and it’s not necessarily a good one. Banking on pop culture’s fascination with the occult, the Hollywood machine has decided to throw the much-beloved and pretty much perfect film, “The Craft” to the remake gods, attaching newcomer Leigh Janiak as a director. A female director, directing a movie about women witches, in the year 2015? This just got a lot more interesting.

Janiak is a female director who debuted her first horror film, Honeymoon,” at SXSW last year. Here is a trailer, which I cannot finish because even though it is 11:08 in the morning and sunny here in New York, I am too scared. So! That means good things afoot. But, it’s all in the casting, isn’t it? A remake can be a beautiful thing, if you’ve put the right people in place. We are here to help.


Anya Taylor-Joy as Sarah (Robin Tunney): Newcomer Anya Taylor-Joy is poised to be the next big thing, thanks to the critical acclaim bestowed upon her acting debut in “The Witch” at Sundance. She’s got just the right pretty weirdo loner vibes to tackle the role of Sarah, who’s depressed and suicidal because she hasn’t figured out how to control her telekinetic powers.


Taylor Momsen as Nancy (Fairuza Balk): Honestly, we kind of wanted to reinvigorate Fairuza’s career and cast her again in what was arguably her best role, but this role is also PERFECT for another teen goth queen, waiting for a comeback: Taylor Fucking Momsen, of the heavy eyeliner and the ripped tights and the DGAF. Let her sulk and flop and tap into her inner rage, built up after years of being overshadowed by Blake Lively in “Gossip Girl.”


Kiernan Shipka as Bonnie (Neve Campbell): Bonnie, she of the burn scars and the insecurity, has a sort of campy vulnerability that I think Kiernan Shipka would excel at. Besides, she’s done being Sally Draper, and I think she’d do a great job of playing a delicate flower turned Venus flytrap.


Gugu Mbatha Raw as Rochelle (Rachel True): If we recall correctly, Rochelle didn’t really have much of an arc in the original, so here’s hoping that Janiak beefs it up a little. We’ll give her Gugu Mbatha-Raw, who is beautiful and talented and wonderful, and let her work her magic.


Shia LaBouef as Chris Hooker (Skeet Ulrich): Who is this generation’s Skeet Ulrich, a guy possessing both a jock’s doucheiness and a little bit of a trashy edge? Shia LaBeouf, preferably with his rat tail, that’s who! Shia is the perfect person to play Chris, the high school jock who spreads a rumor that he and Sarah had sex after she rejects his advances.


An Assorted Clique of Mean Girls (Christine Taylor): Here’s a thought: replace the one mean girl who was casually racist with an entire clique of mean girls who are neither racist nor homophobic, but are just shitty in general. Stock it with your favorites. Throw in Anna Kendrick, who pretends to be nice, but has a latent streak of mean that runs through her. Add Chloe Grace Moretz and Ashley Benson for that icy-blonde bitch flavor. Top it off with the true bad gyal, Rihanna, and throw her on the inevitable remake of The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now.”


Fairuza Balk as Lirio (Assumpta Serna): Put down your candle-making, Fairuza! No “Craft” remake would be complete without a small but important appearance by the original Nancy herself, this time in the role of Lirio, the owner of the occult shop where the coven shops for their witchy wares.

Hollywood, you’re welcome!