Allen West Pretty Sure Walmart Tried To Sharia Law Him

2016 Presidential hopeful Allen West had a terrific fright recently, when shopping at a Dallas Walmart with his daughter, which rattled him so deeply that he immediately went and wrote an essay about it on his personal blog. It was the day he knew would come, the day he’d been predicting for years. The day he finally got Sharia Lawed. He titled that essay “More Ominous Signs Of Christian Persecution.”

From the LiveJournal of Allen West:

Back in Dallas, after we unloaded the U-Haul, Aubrey, a very organized young lady, began the initial arranging of her room. And then came the request — “Dad, I know you haven’t been eating well here, so we need to go grocery shopping.” Dang it! This is what happens when your daughter is pursuing a Masters in Molecular/Cellular Biology. So we were off to the local Walmart Superstore just up the road. We gathered up her desired foodstuffs and headed to the checkout — and then this happened.

What could it be? He said Christian Persecution! Did someone try to make him fight a lion? Was he crucified? Was he told he couldn’t shop at a Dallas Walmart because he was a Christian? Let’s find out!

There was a young man doing the checkout and another Walmart employee came over and put up a sign, “No alcohol products in this lane.” So being the inquisitive fella I am, I used my additional set of eyes — glasses — to see the young checkout man’s name. Let me just say it was NOT “Steve.”

What? It is right there in the Bible, first page or something–ALL WALMART CASHIERS MUST BE NAMED STEVE. You know how they always say “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve?” that was because Steve didn’t get to live in the Garden of Eden. Because he had to work the register at the Walmart of Eden. Duh.

I pointed the sign out to Aubrey and her response was a simple question, how is it that this Muslim employee could refuse service to customers based on his religious beliefs, but Christians are being forced to participate in specific events contrary to their religious beliefs?

OH. That’s what the Steve was about! And my gosh! What an astute young lady indeed! It is, truly, so very unfair that this cashier could refuse to sell alcoholic beverages because of his Muslim faith, and good, decent Christians are forced every day to go to gay weddings. Oh, I mean, make pizzas for gay weddings. Same diff!

Except–as Allen West would soon discover…”Not Steve” wasn’t not selling booze because he was a Muslim, but because he is underage, and underage people can’t sell cigarettes or alcohol there. Just like at my grocery store! And pretty much all the stores!

But Allen West, the Republican Emily Litella, was not about to back down! “However,” he wrote, “that isn’t to say Walmart isn’t selectively caving to Muslim demands” pointing out how one Walmart in Miami that started providing Halal meat after some customers asked for it.

Allow me to point out that the very awesome (and, coincidentally, Muslim!) owners of the convenience store across the street from me specifically buy non-Nestlé hot chocolate because I love hot chocolate and am boycotting Nestlé. They also sell cigarettes and pizza puffs–which, I will bet you do not contain Halal meat.

It is not a weird thing to buy stuff your customers want. In fact, it is pretty normal. It is not a sign of Christians being oppressed. Also, lots of stores sell things I don’t want to purchase! Including grocery stores! I, Robyn Pennacchia, happen to think bacon is gross, and yet it is everywhere, in all the grocery stores, just sitting there, being for sale and not oppressing me.

Is Allen equally upset about the sale of Kosher pickles? Probably not! Kosher pickles are delicious! And grocery stores selling things that you do not eat or that are not a part of your religion is not a thing that is a big deal!

Whatever. I actually could not bring myself to read the rest of the essay, what with it being written by a madman and what have you. Seriously, there are Unabomber op-eds I’d have a better time getting through.

Mostly it was about how Christians are definitely oppressed and how Obama is an Islam Sympathizer and how it was all fine and dandy for people to be outraged by Boko Haram but what about Hobby Lobby and the Indiana pizzeria owner? Why is no one sad about how they are being oppressed, even though they are not and are, in fact, being allowed to deny their female employees birth control and not bake pizzas for gay weddings?

I don’t know. In conclusion, Allen West is a weirdo who doesn’t know how grocery stores work.

[Allen West]