WWJDD? James Deen, Our New Advice Columnist, Talks Orgasms, Sexual Taboos & Why Porn Stars Are Not Sex Educators

Editor’s Note

After multiple women accused James Deen of rape and sexual assault in November 2015, The Frisky made the immediate decision to end our affiliation with the porn star and to cancel his sex advice column with the site. In addition to believing it would be inappropriate to continue publishing sex advice from someone facing such serious allegations, The Frisky is firm in its commitment to believing and standing in solidarity with victims/survivors when they come forward. After serious consideration and input, we decided to leave the previously published columns up on The Frisky with this disclaimer, as we believe the glaring divide between Deen’s consent-focused advice and the rape allegations against him should be part of the public record. For a more thorough explanation on our decision to end this column, click here.

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Say hello to James Deen. Surely you’re heard of him? He’s a multi-hyphenate: Porn star, director, owner of JamesDeen.comactor (dude, I enjoyed “The Canyons”), the man who inadvertently helped me find my orgasm, and now, I’m thrilled to officially announce, our new advice columnist. Six weeks ago, James and I spent, like, seven hours drinking and conversing and at some point during our tete-a-tete, it occurred to me that one interview with James simply wasn’t enough for me or for The Frisky.  We needed more. See, James is a straight shooter, confident in his opinions — he doesn’t like pizza, you guys – but upfront when he doesn’t have all the answers. He doesn’t mince words, is sharp but thoughtful, and, most importantly, is both nonjudgmental and interested in a wide variety of topics, both sexual and non. In the weeks after our interview (check out our seriously edited-down Q&A below!), I was tempted to text him for advice more than a few times — What do I do about this guy I’m dating? Is this an ingrown hair or something more serious? Which pegging porn should I watch? Why is my fiddle fig tree dropping all its leaves?! — and thus the idea for an advice column was born. Lucky, lucky us, he was game. (And lucky, lucky me, I get to do the asking.) Now all I need are your questions! Want James Deen to give it to you dirty (not like that, pervs)? Email your questions to [email protected] Any topic is fair game, be it dating, family, friendship, work, cats, porn, books, etiquette, that weird thing on your butt, and of course, sex, so don’t hold back. He definitely won’t. (All questions will be posted anonymously.)

In the meantime, get a taste of James by reading our Q&A below…

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Amelia/The Frisky: Don’t you ever get tired of having sex everyday?

James Deen: I do the same thing every day, but it’s not really the same thing because every person is different, every scene is different. If you and I do a scene together and then we do another scene with a different director and then another scene the next day, three different scenes in a row, each will be completely different, it changes everything. It’s always new, it’s always different, it’s always exciting.

I have mediocre sex all the time, doesn’t that ever happen to you? Do you have to pretend like it’s awesome, even when it’s not?

I don’t pretend it’s awesome if it’s not. I’ve done scenes where I’ve said, “I’m going to teach you how to have sex” and then I just do stuff. Girls are just as bad at sex as guys. And a lot of people don’t … sex … there’s no wrong way to do it. There’s a bad way to do things. But it varies person to person. There’s no right way to suck dick, there’s no right way to eat pussy – what might be right to you might be wrong to her. I try to engage in proper communication in order to ensure having the best sex possible.

Do the women always come or do they sometimes fake it?

I have no idea. If I always knew if girls were faking their orgasms or not I would probably be a way better sex-haver. I have no idea if anyone ever comes for real.

You can’t tell?

I can pretend to. I only know what I’m told. I like to live in a world where they’re not lying to me. But I like it when my partner has an orgasm. I’m into that. It’s fun.

I’m always amused when guys tell me — and there have been quite a few who have — “I always make girls come, girls never fake it with me.” Dude. Of course they have.

I’m confident there have been a few girls that have faked it. There has to have been! I’ve done over 4,000 scenes!

If you nailed it every time, you’d be in some sort of hall of fame.

There’s no possible way. I don’t know. I try to talk about it, I try to think about it. When I’m having sex and the person I’m having sex with comes it’s … accomplished isn’t the right word, powerful isn’t the right word. I have feelings of that nature, but none of them are right. None of those are correct. It’s doesn’t make me feel “powerful” to bring someone to orgasm, it doesn’t make me feel “accomplished” like it’s a feat, it doesn’t make me feel special. But it gives me a feeling beyond physical sensation that I like. And it arouses me to watch people have orgasms, and not just women. I mean, I like women too, but if I’m going to watch people have sex, I don’t want to just see a woman come, I was to see a dude come, I want to see everyone come!

And you always do?

Come? No, I usually don’t. I rarely come. I only come if I’m on camera or if a person requests it.

You mean at the end?

I mean, that’s the other thing, what constitutes sex? That’s a question I always have. When someone says, “Oh, we had sex seven times!” I’m like, well what does that mean? The guy came seven times? You came seven times? You started, then stopped, then got a sip of water, I mean what? What does that mean?

I think they’re probably talking in terms of how many times the dude came. It goes along with the general belief that sex is over once the guy has orgasmed, where men think sex is done when they’re done, even if their female partner hasn’t come.

Yeah. I can see that. It’s not an uncommon statement to make, I’ve heard it before.

I guess there’s this sense that men are different, that they have to come and that with women it’s kind of optional or up to chance.

There’s physiological and physical issues with the whole blue balls thing. I’ve never experienced [blue balls] because if I want to come, I just come. Like, if you and I were having sex right now and you were like, “Okay I’m done!” and then left, and I’m like, “Wait, but I still have to come–“

Yeah, you’re not going to be like, “Well, guess I’m not coming then!”

No, I’m like, “Just give me, like, 12 seconds!”

I feel like there’s this expectation that you either come during sex or you don’t.

Sex in general, we’re just fucked up about it. People don’t communicate! They’re confused and they’re scared. Sex is weird, it makes them feel things. If people had a correct understanding of sex and sexuality, everybody would be talking and be cool with it, prostitution would be legal, and I wouldn’t be sitting here as a fascinating subject. I would just be a dude who has a job!

You’re right. Your fame is due, at least in part, to the fact that there is so much taboo surrounding sex. If there wasn’t a taboo, well, you’d still have a job I’m sure, but it probably wouldn’t be as lucrative or fame-inducing. 

It might be more lucrative!  It might be more fame-inducing!

Who knows? Whoooo knowssss? Speaking of which, is your fame weird to you?

I don’t think I’m actually famous. I’m fake famous. What constitutes fame? Does Garth Brooks know who I am?

Maybe not Garth Brooks, but I bet Miley Cyrus does.

If Miley knows who I am, I would be excited to talk to her. Let me talk to her.

Is it weird sitting across from someone who you know has jerked off to you? [This might be the moment that all of the booze I had been drinking hit me all at once.]

Not really.

There’s a certain sense with people who watch your work that they knows you. Like, I just watched you have sex last night.

You don’t know me, you just know what my penis looks like!

[Laughing] But seriously is there any downsides to being known for the work you do?

I’m sure there is, and there will be. There isn’t currently, there hasn’t been yet. I’m confident that in 30 years, I will probably have a completely different perspective. I know I will. I’ll probably have encountered quite a few downfalls and negativities that I have yet to experience. I’m a heterosexual white male, I have a lot of privilege so I don’t have to deal with a lot of the issues that, like, Sasha Grey would have to deal with or Jenna Jameson – I’m trying to think, are there any big gay porn stars that have gotten that much fame? There are stars, but there are no Ron Jeremys or [whispering] James Deens. I’m not that familiar with gay porn, honestly.

Have you ever thought of doing any gay scenes?

Gay porn? [Shakes head] I’m not gay. I don’t do stuff that I don’t like. If I didn’t like BDSM stuff, I wouldn’t do it.

I recently got into bi porn.

Bi porn is rad! I wish I could shoot it, but the problem is if you’re shooting bi porn, you’re shooting gay porn. It’s really annoying. I don’t want to perform in it because I don’t want to fuck dudes, but I do think there’s some cool visual things I could do with two dudes that are not afraid of each other’s penises.

Yeah! There’s something really hot about a totally straight dude taking it up the ass. Why not? Your prostate is up your butt, why wouldn’t you?

Some dudes don’t like it in the butt, some girls don’t like it in the butt. But I am curious what I’ll think in 30 years though.

Do you think you’ll still be doing porn?

Yeah, in some capacity. It’s partly why I started a company, that desire to be involved in the adult film industry for as long as I possibly can.

What direction would you like to see the porn industry go in?

The adult film business is at a precipice right now where it needs to decide between furthering itself into legitimacy or falling back into the shadows and going deeper into them. We’re a constitutionally protected and legal business and now we’re being treated like a constitutionally protected and legal business – but the problem is the people that are in charge of deciding what the regulations and rules are have no knowledge about what the adult industry needs. Take the whole issue of condoms. Adult performers do not want condoms. The adult film industry does not have an issue that requires us to use condoms. If condoms were 100 percent mandatory on every single set for the last 10 years, every single person that has HIV that was in the adult industry would still have HIV. It would not have made a single difference as far as HIV is concerned. the only difference that I believe it would have made is that it would have opened up risk, because people would have gone underground and continued to produce in an illegal environment and would not have followed industry regulations which would have exposed more people to more harmful things. It would have resulted in more sites that were not operating in an ethical and consensual manner, producing content with people who are not sober and —

It’s also just kind of ridiculous to put the onus of educating the public, young people in particular, about fucking condoms on the porn industry, when our own government can’t even mandate that sex education be required in schools. When giving 6th graders comprehensive sex ed is controversial …

Right, it’s requiring us to become educators, when we’re not educators! We’re entertainers. Condoms are great in that they do help, but they’re mostly birth control – they don’t really help with a lot of STDs. Syphilis is skin-to-skin.

So is HPV.

And herpes is skin-to-skin too. Yes, there’s chlamydia and gonorrhea, but if you have syphilis on your penis and you wear a condom, yeah, you’re more protected, but realistically, that stuff oozes. Condoms are hardly foolproof.

The point is, the responsibility of the adult film industry is not to teach people. The responsibility of the adult film industry is to scream as loud as humanly possible that adult entertainment is entertainment, not education. And that’s what I always try to do. I try to be like, “Hey guys, want to learn how to have good sex? Don’t watch a porno. You want to learn anything about sex, don’t watch a porno. How do you have sex like a porn star? YOU DON’T.” It’s entertainment. It’s not education. That is actually where the adult industry is responsible — we do have a responsibility to remind people of that. It’s unacceptable for people to say [the porn industry] needs to set an example. But it is completely acceptable to say that we need to remind people that we don’t set an example.

With that in mind, one thing I hear from women is that we can assume that nearly all men watch porn, but that they watch it to such a degree that they have come to expect aspects of what they see in pornography in their own lives. So women — especially women in their early-twenties, I’d say — find themselves almost performing in bed as opposed to just being themselves and expressing how they real feel, even in terms of how they express that they’re enjoying themselves. They think that’s what men want because they’re so used to watching porn.

I think it might be true, I think it’s possible. I mean, does art dictate life or does life dictate art? It’s the same thing. The idea that the adult industry is setting the standard of performance — we’re a business, we make our decisions based on what sells. Somebody might have an idea, like, “I want to see a girl snort cum off of a tit! That’s what I want to see. So let’s shoot that. Let’s do that!” This has been done millions of times —

Wait, really? Snorting cum?

There are scenes all over the place. All the time. I’ve shot tons of them. With straws, pretending it’s drugs, girls pretending they’re addicted — they’re addicted to sex, so they use it as a metaphor. You know, for shock value. So then that becomes something that, let’s say, 20-year-olds —

The same kids who are pouring vodka in their eyes to get drunk.

Yeah, those kids! So they say, “I wanna do that! Let’s try this.” So they try it. Now, are these 20-year-olds snorting cum because somebody thought it was hot, put it on film and then it sold really well, so now people are engaging in this sexual behavior? Or was it something that people already did, we recreated it on film and then it was called a trend?

[We’re interrupted by our waitress, who delivers our meals — ravioli for James, pastrami sandwich for me.]

Right. A few months ago, there was a trend — well, I don’t know if it was a trend, but it was called a trend on, like, a handful of blogs — called “rosebudding” and how it’s”the new frontier of extreme porn!” But I don’t know that I buy that it’s a real trend. I mean, I’m sure there’s plenty of it in the dearth of internet porn that’s available, but is it a trend in the sense that everyone and their mom is running around rosebudding? I would think not? 

I don’t know.

And is the impact then going to be that suddenly the average dude is going to expect the women they fuck to rosebud?

Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? I’m not a doctor, I don’t know what the scientific repercussions of expelling your anus —

I just think in general, the asshole is not supposed to fall out like a slinky.

Happens every time a woman gives birth.

What? Are you serious? Don’t tell me that! [Pauses to take bite of pastrami sandwich, seriously.]

Maybe not every time, but yeah, it happens a lot when women give birth. The perineum also gets torn up. I have no idea what the scientific reparations of a prolapsed butthole are, but I imagine, like a lot of muscles, controlling your rectum and anus and the muscles in there, you’re actually strengthening it. I mean, there’s an argument that could be made that [using the anus muscles to expel the rectum] could be good for you. I don’t know if that’s accurate, I’m just playing devil’s advocate because neither of us are doctors or scientists and yeah, it does seem like there’s some sort of negative repercussion. It doesn’t seem right – that’s not where your rectum goes.

I just wouldn’t want it falling out at inopportune moments.

Yeah. Absolutely. But does that make it bad for you? Harmful? I don’t know.

Well, our idea of what we think of as harmful is kind of skewed. I mean, it’s based on what we think of as “normal.” So because not everyone is walking down the street with prolapsed anuses, we think that having a prolapsed anus must be harmful and terrible.

I hear you. It also looks fucking scary. It doesn’t look like a healthy thing to have your internal organs become external.

Now you’ve got me playing devil’s advocate, but YEAH.

I see the point. I would go as far as to argue that if that is an ability that you have, I would check with a doctor before doing it. Like, that fetish when you put shit in your dick hole — there’s a name for that. I can’t think of it. Shoving forks, pens, things into my dickhole. If I were really into that —

Have you done that?

I’ve been tested for chlamydia and gonorrhea by putting a Q-tip in my urethra, but I got no sexual satisfaction or enjoyment from it at all. But some guys love it! They make rods specifically for it so you can insert rods and dilate your urethra in order to put more things in it. Don’t know why.

I know guys who have had kidney stones who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the screaming horrible pain of passing a stone through their urethra.

Yeah, they say it’s the closest feeling a male could have to giving birth.

Yet there are people who enjoy that sensation enough to … well, I guess one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. 

Yup. If I was into that, if it felt good, I wouldn’t continue to do it, I would check with a doctor and be like, “Hey, so, uh, what damage could I be doing to be body? Let’s talk about this. How can I do this safely?” I Google a lot. I like to research. I like to know.

Are there sexual activities that you’re intrigued about that you haven’t done yet?

Not that I know of…

Want James Deen to give it to you dirty (not like that, pervs)? Email your questions to [email protected] fair game, be it dating, family, friendship, work, cats, porn, books, etiquette, that weird thing on your butt, and of course, sex, so don’t hold back. He definitely won’t. (All questions will be posted anonymously.)