May I Have Your Attention, Please: The Hamburger Is A Now DILF

The Hamburglar, one of the various characters created by McDonald’s to make eating fast food more enjoyable, has been out of the limelight for a while, I guess? I didn’t notice, because I don’t have children and rarely frequent McDonald’s, but the brand is attempting a stab at relevancy by reintroducing the Hamburglar, recast as a DILF that lives in the suburbs.

To jog your memory, this is what the original Hamburglar looked like before:

hamburglar nightmare

A child. A redheaded rapscallion who wanted to steal your burgers and run away into the night. I am uncomfortable not only with how fly the Hamburglar turned out to be, but my general attraction towards this stubbled lothario, created by a brand and intent on stealing my burgers. I also don’t like his creepily whispered catchphrase, “Robble, robble,” which, when uttered by a grown man, sounds more like a threat, and less like the nonsense babble of a single-minded nine-year-old.

Still, I can’t help but be attracted on some level to the grown-man Hamburglar, which makes me angry. Brands! You did it again. Just don’t sexify Grimace, because I will never, ever forgive you.