Ted Cruz Takes Insane “Jade Helm” Conspiracy Theory Very Seriously

So have you heard about this Jade Helm conspiracy theory thing? Basically, Alex Jones and all those wacky conspiracy theory people think that a military drill the army is doing in Texas is, like, a cover-up for Obama’s secret plan to take over Texas and steal everyone’s guns, or something to do with death squads. Or, in other words, it is a thing crazy people think is true, but is not in fact true. Because that would be ridiculous.

However, some people on the Right are super worked up over this. To the point where Governor Greg Abbott has said he will look into these claims, as has Rand Paul. I’m not convinced that either of these people think the theory is at all legitimate (although Paul is kind of BFFs with Alex Jones, so who knows!)–but they cannot straight out say “Hey, this is actually completely fucking insane” for fear of getting on the bad side of the crackpots. The crackpot vote is a very important demographic.

Now, Ted Cruz is getting in on some of that action, and attempting to validate the “concerns” of people who think such things without explicitly stating that he himself believes them.

Via Bloomberg:

“My office has reached out to the Pentagon to inquire about this exercise,” Cruz, a Texas senator, told Bloomberg at the South Carolina Republican Party’s annual convention. “We are assured it is a military training exercise. I have no reason to doubt those assurances, but I understand the reason for concern and uncertainty, because when the federal government has not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy in this administration, the natural consequence is that many citizens don’t trust what it is saying.”

“I have a great deal of faith and confidence in Governor Abbott,” said the senator. “He is a long-time friend and mentor of mine. You know, I understand a lot of the concerns raised by a lot of citizens about Jade Helm. It’s a question I’m getting a lot. And I think part of the reason is we have seen, for six years, a federal government disrespecting the liberty of the citizens. That produces fear, when you see a government that is attacking our free speech rights, or Second Amendment rights, or religious liberty rights. That produces distrust.”

I really, really want to know how that phone call went.

“Hi! I’m calling from the office of Ted Cruz. We hear you guys are running some kind of operation down in Texas. Are you perhaps trying to take over the state, steal everyone’s guns and send them all to the death squads or FEMA camps to be MKULTRA’d into zombie slaves for the Obama government?”

“Um, no?”


“Yes, it is a military drill. No one is trying to murder Texas.”

To be fair, we do actually train death squads in this country, but not for us. We train death squads for Latin American dictatorships. Totally different thing.

However, as far as Cruz’s assertion that people are believing these things all of a sudden because Obama is so terrible? No. This is not a new thing, ok? This is not some thing that is suddenly occurring because people are all ascared about the gun rights they are not even losing and in fact have more of since the Assault Weapons Ban (which was supported by Ronald Reagan, FYI) expired in 2004.

There have always been these people.

Hell, we have them on the Left, too! I wish we did not, but we do. The further you go on either side, the more likely you’re going to have people being worried about FEMA camps and chemtrails and Fluoride and lizard people and the New World Order and the Illuminati and how the Postmaster General is secretly in charge of all the things or whatever. It’s honestly quite tough to figure out which side these people are even on, because they are just far to ridiculous to have a clear viewpoint on anything.

It is, however, completely irresponsible of someone running for president of the United States to attempt to legitimize the feelings of crackpot conspiracy theorists by acting as though there is some totally reasonable explanation for why they believe things that could not possibly be true.

You know who actually handled this wingnut conspiracy theory shit really, really well? John McCain. I will absolutely give him credit for that. There is no reason for someone in any position of power to stoke these fires or to suggest that these beliefs are at all reasonable. We have enough problems in this country already. It can be handled with class, and you don’t even have to call them idiots.