The Frisky Investigates: Miss Piggy Has No Chill

Chill is a much-valued, highly coveted concept. Some people have it in great heaping basketfuls, so abundant that they can’t even be bothered to open the shades or get a glass of water. Others need it, badly. And a few special starfishes wholeheartedly embrace their lack, reveling in the giddiness of not laying down and taking no for an answer. Miss Piggy, newly-minted feminist icon and the baddest pig I know, is an arbiter of the no-chill lifestyle. How did she get this way?

She’s not for everyone. She’s an acquired taste, and it’s best to watch what you say around her. But, isn’t that true of every powerful woman? Shouldn’t you watch what you say because you respect them and you don’t want to end up on their bad side?¬†Miss Piggy most certainly has a dossier of her enemies, frenemies and arch-nemeses and updates them on the daily. She knows things, man. She commands with fear, glamour, beauty and brute strength. Similar to a dictator, maybe, but also like someone who knows what she wants and will do most things to get it. Her facade of actually having chill is a carefully constructed front to hide the fact that underneath it all, she’s not afraid to get scrappy.

It’s clear from her history that she’s the original diva. A conversation about the origins of the rise of the diva in modern pop culture should point to Miss Piggy, laying down the foundation for Celine, Mariah and Barbra to follow in her footsteps. A diva, by definition, lacks chill. She knows what she wants, she knows how to get it, and if I were you, I’d step out of her way lest she karate chop you into oblivion.

Her ambition has been clear from her salad days, as exemplified by this exclusive footage from her nursery.

Obviously a creature of this stature requires closer examination. Let’s investigate.

Pig’s going places. She knows it. She wants you to recognize. Kermit, her long-suffering but always loyal sidepiece, is just along for the ride. Watch how she masterfully gets what she wants by staging a real life wedding in the middle of a Broadway musical, successfully guaranteeing that Kermit will be blessed by her presence for the rest of their days. That is some pig.

Here’s what happens when you put Miss Piggy somewhere she doesn’t want to be. That place is jail. No one wants to be in jail, but most would just wait for bail. Miss Piggy is strong as hell. Miss Piggy can bend metal.

MISS PIGGY NO CHILL GREAT MUPPET CAPER

She’s not here for your weak protestations about whether or not you care to dance. If Miss Piggy wants to dance, you’re going to dance.

This is just a sample of her rich inner fantasy life. Do you see any chill there? I certainly don’t.

It’s totally chill to put on a trench coat and a hat, and stalk your love interest from across the street. It’s also very chill to bend metal with the strength of your wrath and smack the shit out of a garbage can.

Trading barbs with Joan Rivers, the queen of all shade, no chill, and winning? That’s the ultimate way to express how serene and chill you are. Be still my heart.

Do not summon your inner chill if the situation calls for it. Instead, tap into the reserve of righteousness that lies within. Find your inner Miss Piggy and channel that karate-chopping pig’s pluck and spirit into everything you do. We salute you, Miss Piggy, and your lack of chill. Hold your head up high, and go forth.