Abbi Jacobson On Faking A Walk Of Shame And Being A Badass Bitch

“I’m a badass bitch because [whispers] sometimes I’ll wake up really, really early before the sun comes out and I’ll tiptoe into my bathroom and I’ll put on some mascara and I’ll smudge it and I’ll mess up my hair and I’ll tiptoe back into my room, look at my closet, and be like, “Which slinky dress should I put on?” And I put on my favorite slinky dress and I put on a trench coat and I go downstairs, out my door, and I’ll tiptoe down my street, and the sun is just coming up and people are just going to work and go to the end of the block and then I turn around and I walk home. And people look at me and they think, That girl. That girl is such a mess.”

Abbi Jacobson and her “Broad City” bestie Ilana Glazer helped honor Amy Poehler at this year’s GildaFest by celebrating the wonderfulness of being a “badass bitch.” I particularly enjoyed this hilarious gem from Abbi, above, but there were moments of relatable sincerity from the duo, who both shared anecdotes about not succumbing to societal pressure put on women to settle down and breed.

Ilana: So I’m a badass bitch because my friends from home are all getting engaged and married and moving in with people forever and it doesn’t pressure me. It doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t feel that pressure cooker of life choices. I don’t even think about it at all, honestly.

Abbi: It’s weird that you brought it up.

Ilana: I know, it’s like, I don’t care about it, so it’s even funny that I said it tonight here. I’m a bad bitch because I don’t even think about it other than saying it now. Tonight. In, like, a large comedy group. I don’t even think about it.

Abbi: I’m a badass bitch because I’m 31 and it’s been made clear to me that 31 is an age where women should — it is, really — it’s been made clear to me that 31 is the age where women should start thinking about freezing their eggs. And I don’t think about it, and I don’t let it pressure me.

Ilana: You can’t! [Bird call.]

Abbi: But yeah, I don’t think about it. I don’t feel pressured by it and it’s crazy to even be talking about it in front of all of you, and that is why I feel like such a badass.

Ilana: You can’t! It’s out! No!

Abbi: It just brushes over me like a big, huge paintbrush would. You know, if I was painting body art. And now it’s gone.

Ilana: It’s gone!

Abbi: It’s not even a thing.

Every night before I go to sleep, I say a silent prayer that one day Abbi and Ilana will realize they need a third and choose ME, and this is why. [Vulture]