7 Things I’ve Lusted For In A Non-Sexual But Still Very Potent Fashion

Lusting after the D is one thing, but I think that the lust for material goods is even stronger. The lust for the dick is something that starts out abstract, but is very easily obtained. Dick, of all sorts, both mediocre and high-quality, is in great abundance. There’s no actual need to lust for this shit, beacuse it’s fucking everywhere. If you really want the D, trust, all you have to do is step outside and execute a slow turn, and I promise you, you’ll find it.

I like my lust concentrated in other places, on things that I know that I want, very badly in a real or abtract way, but might not ever get. That kind of lust lights a fire under your ass, and gets you moving. That lust motivates. It’s the best kind. It pushes you forward without driving you crazy. Material lust is the root of cupidity. It is powerful, not to be ignored. Here’s some things that I lust for.

1. A goddamn Hermes Birkin bag


For a time in my life, I very badly wanted a Birkin bag. Specifically, a dope-as-hell-fuck-you-I’m-rich custom made stingray Birkin bag in bright red. The shape is old money, but the color and make are so deliciously Real Housewives new money, tacky and gross and awesome all at the same time. It also costs more than I owe in student loans still, so it will never be mine, but I still irrationally yearn for this impractical accessory.

2. This fucking Eileen Fisher cocoon coat


Aspirational dressing at its finest. It’s not like this isn’t in my ken, but I not inclined to spend almost $400 on a jacket that drowns my shape and doesn’t button. I just want the life of a person who would be able to throw this thing on over some ripped jeans and her boyfriend’s shirt and leave for the florwer shop she owns.

3. These goddamn shoes, which I purchased, and then had to sell beause they made my feet bleed irreparably.


Here is a prime example of lust fulfilled, only to realize that it wasn’t worth the lusting. I bought these shoes, tried to stretch these shoes so that my tamale feet would fit into them, and sold them a couple of months later, for someone with narrow feet and high arches to enjoy. I’m still on the lookout for a shoe that will fill the gaping void these left in my heart.

4. A room of my own.


I love my roommates, my cheap rent and my very convenient apartment, but I guarantee I would give it all the fuck up for the privilege of taking my pants off in my foyer the minute I come home and never having to wear them until I leave the house again.

5. A Bernese Moutain dog.


My ex boyfriend and I have an extended fantasy in which we discuss what our potential children could look like, and also how we’d raise them. Having a Bernese mountain dog features heavily into this very unhealthy role play. Look at this thing’s FACE. Look. It’s so happy! It’s so dopey. It looks like it’d be easy going and chill as hell, perfectly content to let my potential offspring strap a saddle on its back and ride it around our large, well-appointed yard.

6. This mysterious shade of red lipstick.


I see a shade of lipstick on girls out there that’s red, but not traffic-light, stoplight red — it’s darker, velvety, more matte than glossy, and looks like it won’t move. I have no idea what color it is. All I know is that I want it.

7. A Kitchenaid, with its attendant attachments.


I either have to become engaged so I can register for this thing, or I have to pony up the money to buy myself a stand mixer with a pasta and meat grinder attachment, so I can continue to live out the Nancy Meyers-kitchen fantasies that exist, for the moment, in my head. Seriously, I can hardly bake. But, I want this stupid thing, because it’s beautiful and it looks rich, and I’d surely learn how to make bread, right?

[Main photo via Amelia’s Instagram. Amazing cross stitch by Christine Friar]