An Interview With A Real Person Willing To Lose A Tendon For Candy Crush

In depressingly hilarious “the machines are going to kill us all” news, a San Diego man of just 29 years recently tore a tendon in his thumb after almost two straight months of playing Candy Crush non-stop. As Polygon reports, it wasn’t the tendon tear that made his case unique — it was the fact that in the weeks prior to the ultimate tear, he didn’t feel any pain, as he should have given that his tendon was disintegrating. As the doctors who wrote up his case in the JAMA Internal Medicine Journal noted, it’s very likely the distraction Candy Crush provided, as well as the game’s “highly pleasurable nature,” were the reasons that the man didn’t feel any pain. The report also points out that this isn’t the first time a video game may have caused pain suppression — other studies have been conducted regarding the use of video games to alleviate pain in pediatric patients and burn victims.

So what is it like to be the type of person who would sacrifice a tendon for five more lives without having to wait 24 hours? We couldn’t get in touch with the actual injured athlete, so I turned to our resident Candy Crush addict, The Frisky’s head bitch in charge Amelia, who had just admitted that at times her hand will go numb from playing Candy Crush. Our conversation was both illuminating and an example of the finest reporting you may ever see.

Beejoli: Can I quote you on your left hand being numb? Oh it’s both hands.

Amelia: It’s my right generally.

Beejoli: And what [Candy Crush] level are you at?

Beejoli: And do you have an iPhone 5 or a 6?

Beejoli: And if it’s a 5, are you worried that if you get a 6 you may lose a thumb or tendon all together?

Amelia: I have a 5 and I hadn’t thought of what the 6 might do to my hand, but now I’m nervous.

Amelia: Oh and I’m on level 530.

Beejoli: Have you seen any masturbatory benefits in your thumb’s muscle tenor, in the time that you have found Candy Crush?

Amelia: No, if anything, I find that my hand cramps more easily.

Beejoli: Interesting! Okay, all great. Well, except your hand cramps. Those suck.

Amelia: It’s worth it. I love Candy Crush.

Beejoli: Would you sacrifice a tendon for Candy Crush, yes or no?

Amelia: Do I need all my tendons technically? If not, yes I would sacrifice, because I won’t give up the Crush.

Beejoli: Your tendon can be repaired and your insurance deductible is only $500. It’s less than a dollar per level, economically speaking.

(Amelia exits interview, ostensibly due to realizing that she’s still only on Candy Crush level 530, and she has two working thumb tendons.)

That concludes today’s episode of Beejoli Reports.

[Polygon]

[Image via Flickr]