Bill O’Reilly Pretty Sure Christians Are Being “Verbally” Murdered In This Country

Ever the culture warrior, Bill O’Reilly spoke with his agnostic but still totally conservative friend John Stossel Tuesday night about his fears regarding the ways Christians are totally oppressed in this country.

While Stossell suggested that while there may be places in the world where Christians are oppressed, they are not oppressed here in America, and are certainly not being killed here in America for being Christians. O’Reilly disagreed, you see, because they are being “verbally killed.”

Now, while you may think that O’Reilly was suggesting that people are going around using the Avada Kedavra curse on innocent bible-believing Christians, he was not. His big example, naturally, was the fact that people in department stores say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”–you know, because nothing oppresses Christians like acknowledging that Jewish people exist and also have a holiday around that time! His second example was the horrifying fact that–gasp–secular progressives can go around calling Christians bigots for not wanting gay people to get married, or say they are anti-women just because they don’t believe women should have any say in their reproductive choices! They can just say these things! Out loud! And in a room full of people!

Stossell attempted to be the voice of “reason”–suggesting that the problem wasn’t so much people who are agnostic or atheist, but “big government” infringing on “individual liberty.” Which is also not the case here, as it would actually be more of a “big government” thing to require department store employees to say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” or to put me in jail for calling Bill O’Reilly a bigot and a chauvinist pig.

The only example O’Reilly brought up that could reasonably be argued as the government infringing on “individual liberty” is the whole thing where bigots don’t want to make cakes for gay weddings. However, the thing is–when the government doesn’t allow businesses to discriminate like that, they are actually protecting the “individual liberty” of people who should be able to buy from any public business they choose. Yes, in this situation they are choosing between the “individual rights” of a business and the individual rights of a person, but historically, in these situations the rights of individual people have won out over the rights of businesses to discriminate.

It is understandable that O’Reilly is gung-ho about the idea of being oppressed. Martyrdom is a huge deal in Catholicism–the Lives of The Saints are filled with stories of martyrs tortured and killed for their beliefs–and hey, in many strands of Christianity, if you’re not being oppressed, you’re not doing it right.

I also think this may have something to do with O’Reilly’s well known kinky side. So I have an offer!

O’Reilly, you pay me $5000 an hour and I will totally oppress you.

I will take my free birth control pills right in front of you while cackling maniacally about all the babies I’m not going to have.

I will take you to a gay wedding!

I will repeatedly tell you allllll about how I don’t believe in god and also how evolution and global warming are definitely real things. And you will just have to sit there while no one comes to arrest me.

I will make you clean my entire apartment while I read to you from Simone de Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex.”

I will poke you with a pointy stick until you finally give up and say “Happy Holidays!”

I’ll drip hot wax on your face while making you recite the Pledge of Allegiance in it’s original form–without the “under god” part.

I will throw falafel at you every time you mention Jesus or the Bible. If it continues, I will lock you in the bathroom for days on end.

For an extra $10,000, I will follow you around for a week and refuse to let you buy or sell anything unless you agree to take the mark of the beast, and then threaten to behead you for refusing to worship the anti-christ or Satan or whatever.

I mean, if you want, we can totally go for martyrdom here. I could press your hand on a George Foreman grill and call you St. Lawrence? Nero used to sew Christians up in animal carcasses and throw them to the dogs–I could like, put you in an Easter Bunny costume and send you to a furry convention? Or we could go like St. Cecelia and I can make you take a crazy hot bath–without a “falafel thingy” while you try to sing and I criticize you for being off-pitch? I don’t know. I mean, I kind of faint at the sight of blood so I won’t be able to follow it up with half-beheading you and letting you bleed out over three days. Plus, you know, I just had you wash the floor. This also rules out tearing you limb from limb or having you drawn and quartered.

Truth be told, I don’t even really know how to oppress Bill O’Reilly for being Christian. At least not properly. I don’t want to physically hurt anyone or throw them in jail for expressing their opinions. I just want to be allowed to do my own thing, and not be required to participate in the Christian religion if I choose not to. I absolutely believe that people have the right to practice their religion, I just don’t believe that right extends to infringing on the freedoms of other people to not practice their religion.

I also think it is absurd to suggest that just because someone practices a religion, that they ought to be protected from criticism. Surely, Bill O’Reilly understands that when it comes to other religions– like, for instance, Islam. I can call Bill O’Reilly a bigot all day long, and that has nothing to do with me oppressing him for his religion. For what it’s worth, I happen to know a lot of Catholics who are not bigots and don’t give two fucks about gay people getting married! Or, quite frankly, what non-Catholics do, period, so long as they’re not bothering anyone.

In fact! It is, on occasion, quite blasphemous, in the Catholic religion, to participate in certain things without being a Catholic. When I go to family weddings or funerals, I do not take communion, because I am not Catholic. It would be disrespectful of me to do that, as awkward as it feels drawing attention to myself in that way. When you ask people to participate in your religion without believing in it–that is also quite blasphemous. Do you really think your god wants that?

The saints and martyrs? The oppression and torture they faced had nothing to do with not being “allowed” to force other non-believers to abide by their religion’s rules. They just wanted to be free to practice their religion and be left alone. You can do that here, in America. Just like I can “practice” my non-religion. We’re not going to force you to take part in pagan rituals, or any other religious practices you don’t believe in, so try extending the same courtesy to the rest of us.