9 Benihana Tricks, Ranked
Apparently while the rest of the Christian world was celebrating the rising of Christ last week on Easter, Tori Spelling was instead battling hellfire in the form of hibachi. As Daily Mail would have you believe, Spelling was enjoying an Easter lunch with her adulterously-reared brood at Japanese-themed hibachi restaurant Benihana, and upon her exit, she tripped backwards and burned her arm on a sizzling grill. Thanks to alleged skin grafts, Spelling is now doing well, thanks in no small part I’m sure to the fact that “friends are praying for her to make a full recovery.”
But Spelling’s not at all funny mishap reminded me of one thing: I goddamn love Benihana. There is truly nothing more enjoyable than cubes of umami-marinated steak sizzled to perfection in front of you, with all the showmanship of a middle-tier Las Vegas stage show. At Benihana, you come for the delightful whimsy with which fried rice is so cooked, but you stay for the chance to see shrimp be flipped into places shrimp were not intended to be. (Also the ceramic Buddha tureens filled with rum punch, you come and stay for those.) I love those tableside tricks so much, I’ve taken it as a personal affront that my parents are now vegetarian, as I no longer have the carnivorous critical mass necessary to have a meal at Benihana with people willing to pay upwards of $30 a person at what is ultimately a chain restaurant.
And as such an expert on Benihana, so goes the definitive ranking of Benihana food tricks, ranked.
9. Fried Rice Heart
8. Beating Fried Rice Heart
7. That Time Brandon Thought He Was Too Cool to Laugh At The Beating Fried Rice Heart, C’mon Brandon Enjoy It
6. Egg Rooster
5. Making Awkward Eye Contact With Everyone Else At Your Table of Strangers When That One Lady Laughs Too Hard
4. Shrimp Flipped Into the Chef Hat
3. Shrimp Flipped Into the Coat Pocket
2. Shrimp Made to Flip Its Tail In Macabre Tribute To How It Likely Died
1. Onion Volcano