5 Woman Caves Every Broad Deserves

Since the dawn of time, men have been wondering how and where a man can be a man. After all, it’s hard to be one isn’t it?! Well, not anymore (as of the 20th century that is). See, now dudes have their Man Caves to retreat to. In our modern era, the man cave serves as the ultimate escape from all things that don’t belong in the bro-zone, namely FEMALES. Women are now everywhere, in the streets, in the workplace, invading male homes, and even being doctors checking out a dude’s junk! After an exhausting day with the ladies being so close, the most natural thing for a man to want is a daily respite from all the estrogen for their minds and aching ball sacks. The man cave delivers them from SHEvil, amirite? Turn on any episode of any house hunting show on HGTV or the DIY channel — which is now airing an entire show dedicated to the man cave called “Epic Man Caves” (heck yeah!) — and you are guaranteed to hear the husband demanding his need for a man cave or the improvement of his current one.

Sitcoms from the start of television up until now feature these Cock Caverns, where husbands are dying to escape the domestic prison that is sharing a space with their unfortunate fat nagging demon wife. Enter the TestosterZone: Where each day at sunset, millions of men from Dave to Barry, from Steve to Jim, commute back from their offices, loosen their ties, and pray. They pray that they can scurry down to their kick ass Dick Dungeon, fling their briefcase across the carpet like a hover-Frisbee and crack open a cold fuckin’ brew with their brand new veneers to get down to ultimate sitting, immediately.

But what about the women? Where are these types of spaces for the ladies in our lives? Haha, screw you, chick! Your space is the rest of the house and the rest of the WORLD which you seem to have TAKEN OVER with your pansy ass curtains and dust ruffles and high powered careers! Get into the kitchen, that’s your cave! Just kidding! After a day of ruthless catcalling and street harassment, less pay, and diminishing worth as we age, we women deserve a goddamn cave too — and I don’t mean the floor of the bathroom where we cry over our no longer supple skin. As Virginia Woolf(the true pioneer of the woman cave) aptly stated, each woman needs money and a Room of One’s Own. Sorry dudes, Woolfy was the creator of the cave, and it was for chicks. Here are five different woman caves that I want NOW.

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1. The Cheese Cave

OK, I’m not talking about a menstrual hut type deal for when you have a yeast infection (gross, sorry!), but a room of actual cheese (is this too cliché?). If I had my druthers (money) I would totally have a house with a bonafide fromagerie inside of it where I could store exotic cheeses and even some jams and quince pastes and such. Maybe I could even hire a hot French cheese man to come over a couple times a week with new kinds to try with a little lesson on their origins, n’est pas?

Realistic Compromise: Basically, you can still do this even if you don’t have space in your house for a whole room devoted to cheese. You can just invite girlfriends over to sit in your living room and eat a shit load of fancy cheeses together and maybe, like, put Post-Its on each wedge with the type of cheese and its origin. Also wine. Hi.

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2. The Writing Room/Study Cave

This is very specific to me of course because I am a writer, but I still feel like non-writer ladies would love something like this. The Study Cave could be for reading things, swiping Tinder, weaving, knitting, learning shit and just plain being sophisticated while you sit in a place that is not your bedroom. In my ultimate woman cave, I would have an enormous window ledge from which I could gaze out upon my vast English garden and limply hold the letter I received from the Baron who’s away at war. My huge study would have those old-fashioned wall-to-wall oak bookshelves filled with books by female authors and a giant desk with cherry red leather seats like in an old boy’s club or “Downton Abbey.” Hell, I’ll even smoke some cigars in there while reading the paper, I don’t even give a shit.

Realistic Compromise: Find a corner of your apartment where, if you have the space, you can stick a nice easy chair and a tall lamp. Make sure it’s not near the television if possible. Add a small little table nearby so you can put your tea down and BAM, you have a nook instead of a cave! If someone enters your area give them epic GTFO face.

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3. “I Dream Of Jeannie” Bottle Room Complete With Costume To Become Barbara Eden

I just really want this, OK? I watched reruns of this show and “Bewitched” as a child and even though both shows are psychotically sexist, they were also hilariously so because it just seemed like it was all about men’s fears of the truly baffling amount of power that women have. So I want to recreate that and lounge in a hidden bottle-like cavern and occasionally have women over where we can sit on silky pillows and basically be witches and rule the world and laugh our heads off at the dudes in our lives.

Realistic Compromise: Play dress up by yourself and purchase a million caftans, silk robes, huge silky pillows and spritz perfume on your wrists like a goddess. Invite girls over to do the same as stated above.

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4. Panic Room

Do you constantly live in fear of your life? Well then this is the perfect Woman Cave for you.

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Realistic Compromise: Fight the Patriarchy.

5. Sex Toy Room

Yes, you all knew this was coming, but I think it would be so amazing. Think of it as, like, a museum of sex toys, with displays of your favorite vibrators and dildos and costumes and whatnot. I think we could all benefit from having your own secluded space to explore our own gorgeous bod without anyone else around (unless you wanted them to come over of course…)

Realistic Compromise: A dresser or at least one drawer completely filled to the brim with your collection. You know you have one.

Happy Lady Caving!