Going To An Ivy League Will Teach You Nothing About How To Buy Drugs, Apparently

I have no idea what the fuck schools are teaching kids these days, but if you ever needed proof that book smarts aren’t everything, look no further than hallowed Ivy League institution, Columbia University. Not only are students on campus freaking out because one of their preferred student drug dealers got arrested, but they all used Venmo to pay him. Guys! Come the fuck on. Do not use Venmo to pay your drug dealer. If you aren’t smart enough to pick that bit of info up by general osmosis, you are not smart enough to do drugs — and drugs are made for people who aren’t very smart to begin with, so let that soak into the old brain box for a minute or two, regardless of what lie you tell about your SAT scores.

But worse than paying your drug dealer with Venmo are the idiotic euphemisms the Columbia kids came up with for the drugs they were buying. “Snoop Dogg’s shizzle,” “10 lbs of sugar” and “baby powder” isn’t fooling anyone. If you refer to cocaine as baby powder, especially on a public medium, the rule should be that you never get to do cocaine or use baby powder ever again. Genius who came up with “Columbia in the 1980s,” you’re not much better. (Whoever came up with “likes on facebook, tbh,” you may stay.)

My SAT scores only got me into Berkeley, so I’m no Columbia grad, but if I had to come up with a list of euphemisms to use to pay the drug dealer I definitely do not have and wouldn’t pay via trackable transaction, it would probably be a little more along the lines of these:

  • Dinner [pizza emoji x3]
  • My half of Jen’s birthday gift
  • [prayer hand emoji, prayer hand emoji, heart emoji, prayer hand emoji]
  • Dinner [shrimp emoji x3]
  • Elec bill
  • Gas bill
  • ConEd and TWC
  • Uber surgeeeeeeeee FML [monkey covering face emoji]
  • Dinner [burger emoji x3]
  • LADYTHINGZZZZ lol ok its tampons
  • Hamptons house!! [sun emoji, surf emoji, palm tree emoji, sun emoji]
  • Coachellaaa [sun emoji, surf emoji, palm tree emoji, sun emoji]
  • Peanut butter jelly time
  • Dinner [no emojis]

Ivy leagues really aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.


[Image via Flickr]