I Hereby Declare Today, April 6, Unfriend Every Dude You’ve Banged And No Longer Care About Day!

Facebook has been seriously up my ass about dudes I’ve slept with lately. First, the People You May Know feature managed to get access to my iPhone contacts so suddenly one night stands — hell, even guys I just made out with — were suddenly suggested “friends.” But then, for whatever reason, I started noticing far too many status updates from guys I actually am FB friends with, who I slept with long ago and far away, alerting me to just how far they’ve come since they were coming anywhere near me. Oh look, it’s the guy I’ll call Skinny Seth Rogen, a semi-regular booty call a few summers ago, who had five roommates and drank Four Loko without irony — he just got married and FB would very much like for me to click through an exhaustive album of wedding photos. I hadn’t thought about that guy from my old apartment building I boned and then showed my crazy to, but lookie here, guess he finally took that tropical vacation, so happy for him really. And what’s this? A birthday party invite from the bass player of a semi famous cover band who talked about his penis in the third person and then never called me again? To what do I owe the honor?!?!?!

It was this last one that led me to decide that a thorough purge of my Facebook friends list was in order, and because I am SURE that all of you have similar former-fuck friends you could give two shits about hearing from again, I have decided to give the excuse to do so by officially declaring today, April 6, to be National Unfriend Every Dude You’ve Banged And No Longer Care About Day! Don’t worry, this doesn’t apply to the ex-boyfriends you still have affection for, or the former flings you would mack on again if given the opportunity — this is just dudes (or women, whatever!) you’ve banged whose current activities are basically as interesting to you as watching paint dry. I just unfriended four of them and feel great about it. Trust me, you will too.