19 Of The Men Of “Mad Men,” Ranked

There are some amazing, complicated, beautiful women on “Mad Men,” flaws and all, but the men? The men on this show are by and large, pretty shitty. But, how shitty are they? Who reigns as the crappiest fictional man on this show? Who should you be rooting for when “Mad Men” returns for its final episodes on  Sunday? Let’s see, shall we? Presented in order of most horrible to least horrible, here are the men of “Mad Men,” ranked.


19. Greg, Joan’s garbage husband.

Greg, no. You’re a rapist, bad at your job, and you didn’t consult your wife before you left to go to Vietnam, yet told her that you wanted to start a family on your way out. Then you came back, and essentially told Joan you prefer the prestige of being in the army than being with your family, and served her divorce papers at the office. You are TERRIBLE. Go away. Now.


18. Pete Campbell

Pete’s a grade-A slimeball, a conniving, weaselly little shit head who knocked Peggy up, denied the fact that the child was his and has spent the most amount of time whining about how he doesn’t have what he wants. He’s the worst. But he made his season seven entrance in shorts, a sweater draped over his shoulders and a smile, which warmed my heart just a tiny bit. He’s also surprisingly not racist — he was one of the only people to be upset by Roger’s insane performance in blackface in the third season, which gives him, like, half a point in my book. It’s not enough to make up for the fact that he’s a manipulative, entitled dick who, if he were real, I would probably try to push into traffic.


17. Lou Avery

Lou Avery is the embodiment of every single horrible boss you’ve ever had in your life and he is the definite nemesis of Peggy and ambitious women everywhere. Get out, Lou.


16. Henry Francis

Like cheap tights that you buy from Duane Reade, Henry seemed like a good fit at first, but ultimately ends up letting you down. He was a nice change for Betty, the anti-Don, but when he gently suggested that Fat Betty go back to blonde-haired cyborg, and tried to tamp down her burgeoning sense of self and opinions, his true shittiness was revealed.


15. Ted Chaough

You want to like Ted, because he looks like a Pound Puppy and he seems nice enough, and he also really, really likes Peggy — like, a lot — but, the fact of the matter is that he cheated on his wife with Peggy and is also emotionally unstable. He tried to crash a plane full of Sunkist executives, for Christ’s sake, and spent most of the last season mouldering in the dank sunshine of the L.A. office. He means well, but don’t all mealy-mouthed dudes mean well? You shall not pass, Ted.


14. Don Draper

Complicated, brooding and exceedingly handsome, even when bloated and drunk, Don Draper is testament to the fact that you’ll want to bone the shittiest dudes only because they are so breathtakingly hot. Don has his ups and his downs. He’s complicated, man. He’s got that whole “I used to be someone else, maybe, and my closet is so full of skeletons I rented a storage unit” vibe that brings women in against their own will. Part of me wants to rank Don higher because he is such an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in really great hair and a lot of questionable life choices. But at the end of the day, he’s an inveterate womanizer, an insatiable cheat and someone who you probably can’t trust as far as you can throw him.


13. Roger Sterling

Well, he’s always going to be a womanizer and a borderline alcoholic, but the fact that he manages to pick his life back up after a few health scares and an especially revelatory night on LSD proves to me that Roger isn’t a bad man, just someone trying to figure out where he stands. Yes, he fathered Joan’s baby and bounced, only to come back to shower him with gifts and affection, but I think almost every single dude on this show is a deadbeat baby daddy. He seems to be on the way to repairing the relationship with his daughter and his first ex-wife, so I think there’s hope for him yet.


12. Abe Drexler, Peggy’s shitty counterrevolutionary boyfriend

Abe is that guy you think about dating for a second in college, the one who’s really into activism and plays the djembe drums in his dorm room when his roommate’s out for a while. He’s good because he made Peggy become a homeowner and a landlord (sound investment, Pegs!), but he’s the fucking worst because he spends a lot of time quietly resenting Peggy’s success. When she accidentally stabbed him with a bayonet because she thought he was a robber, I yelped with glee.


11. Paul Kinsey

He starts off in Pete’s good ol’ boy network, then takes a sharp left away from the sleaze and unctuousness of Madison Avenue. He’s in an interracial relationship, he briefly becomes a Hare Krishna, and eventually writes a “Star Trek” spec script and disappears to L.A. to pursue his dream. All these are good things, but when you take into consideration that he’s actually just a rich kid from New Jersey who’s doing his best to slum it, it kinda takes the wind out of his sails.


10. Harry Crane

He spent a lot of time in the beginning mucking around with Pete, but then found himself as a newly-enraged and self-important Head of Media. He spearheaded all the TV stuff at SC&P, which shows a nice sense of ambition, but he’s also kind of a pushover. Harry reminds me a teensy bit of an ex-boyfriend, so I am naturally endeared to him, but on the spectrum of terrible men in the “Mad Men” universe, he’s basically a saint.


9. Michael Ginsberg

Ginsberg is smart,  handsome and definitely unhinged. I was sad to see him carted away on a stretcher after giving Peggy his nipple in a box, but I am glad that this fictional character is getting the help that he needs.


8. Jim Cutler

The only things I really remember about Jim Cutler is that in real life, he’s married to Lisa Rinna, and on the show, he brought in “vitamin shots” to help everyone’s productivity, but really it was just speed. He’s barely memorable, but whatever was in those vitamin shots looks like it would’ve been fun for about an hour, so he stays on the right side of history.


7. Lane Pryce

Poor, poor Lane. The only really, truly shitty thing Lane did is embezzle money from the company in an attempt to cover his own ass. And, ultimately, he couldn’t save himself, and took his own life in an attempt to go out in a dignified manner. I always felt bad for Lane, because there’s something about the struggle to find your footing in a new world that maybe isn’t quite for you that resonates.


6. Glenn Bishop, the boy next door

Glen is hands-down the creepiest non-supernatural kid on television, and I kinda love him for it. He runs away from home and lives in the Drapers’ playhouse, he has an almost-reciprocated crush on Betty, and he maintains a phone relationship with Sally, who desperately needs a friend that’s as fucked up as she might be. You can stay, Glen, just at a safe distance, you weirdo.


5. Ken Cosgrove

He has literary ambitions which he actually fulfills, he isn’t afraid to fuck Pete Campbell out of anything his grubby little hands might want, and he, to my knowledge, has not cheated on his wife. He’s a winner. Also, he spent the better part of a season in an eye patch when he took one for the team in a hunting accident with the Chevy account, so bully for you, old boy. You’re a star in my book.

Mad Men episode 4

4. Freddy Rumsen

He was an alcoholic, he peed his pants as a grown man once, but he was the first guy to notice Peggy’s talent as a copywriter, and he’s trying to help Don’s drunk ass get his shit together. Not a bad man in my book. He gets a pass.


3. Bert Cooper

He spent most of his time in the world of “Mad Men” wandering around the office in his socks and keeping the unruly assholes that he works with in line. To my recollection he has done nothing egregious, and he also had an affair with Ida Blankenship, the best secretary (sorry, Dawn) that “Mad Men” has seen to date. He will be missed.

Mad Men (Season 5)

2. Bobby Draper + Gene Draper

All these kids did was have Betty Draper as their mom, and you know what, they can’t help that. With a healthy dose of therapy and a few light SSRI’s, they’re going to be just fine.


1. Stan Rizzo

Bearded Stan Rizzo hasn’t done a single shitty thing on this show. He’s just evolved into a beautiful lumbersexual who smokes a lot of weed and has Peggy’s back. He’s husband material, through and through.