Meet Your New Tinder Boyfriend, TC, The Guy With The 22-Inch Dick
Last night, a friend of mine who lives in Boston texted me the following message: “I need you to look at three photos and read this guy’s Tinder profile and tell me if you believe this is actually a real. You are the expert.” Screenshots followed, featuring a guy named TC’s Tinder profile. It took me a second to register just what she suspected might be bullshit. Hmm, 15 languages, huh? I mean, that seems sort of excessive and unbelievable but — OH HEY YOOOOOOO! NEVERMIND! It wasn’t his background in linguistics or the 80+ stamps in his passport that were questionable, so much as the MASSIVE BULGE in his pants, which he explained thusly towards the bottom of his short profile:
***Apologies; meeting people is awkward since I cannot hide the size of my penis. I am willing to admit it that it is 22 inches and hangs past my knees. Tends to be a turn-off/deal breaker. Questions? Swipe and say hello.
I clicked through the screenshots and checked out the rest of his photos, where his third leg was indeed impossible not to notice, a veritable elephant trunk-sized dong. Hangs to the left, I see. For the briefest of seconds, given the relative sincerity in the rest of his profile, I actually considered that it might be real. But then I remembered that the guy who’s “known” for having the biggest dick in the world, Jonah Falcon, clocked in at a mere 13.5 inches erect. If this guy’s dick was legit, he would be a legend. I Googled “22 inch penis” just to be sure there hadn’t been a passing of the torch since the last time I read up on record-breaking monster cocks. Nope. Nothing legit that I could find.
“Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right,” I texted my friend. “Has to be a fake, but I’m dying to know what this dude has to say for himself. REPORT BACK!!!!”
Clearly the dude in the photos is, like, a real human, so to protect his privacy I’ve blurred his face. That being said, have any other Boston-area women come across this profile — or a guy with a 22-inch dick? I need to know more about New England’s hottest dubiously three-legged bachelor! Is anyone buying what this guy’s selling? Let’s discuss.
UPDATE: I’m pretty sure that’s a geoduck in his pants, not a penis. LOOK: