Here Are Some Adult Humans Who Paid 1K To Pretend To Be In Preschool

I think I may be in the wrong line of business, you guys. Apparently, the real money is in preschool. Not like, actual preschool because actual preschool teachers don’t get paid much, PRESCHOOL FOR ADULTS. Yeah, apparently there are adult human persons who will pay $333-$999 to come over to your house and fingerpaint and take naps and eat snacks and do show-and-tell or whatever. Adults who have no place else to be on a Thursday afternoon. Ah, America.

Via ABC:

The Brooklyn-based Preschool Mastermind, as it’s called, is a preschool-type experience for adults. No, really. And according to its founder, there’s show-and-tell, arts-and-crafts such as finger paint, games (think musical chairs) and even naps.

“I realized all the implications of what we learn in preschool,” said founder Michelle Joni, who said she went to school for childhood education and always wanted to be a preschool teacher. “People come here and get in touch with their inner child. It’s magical.”

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It’s quite the operation, and if I were a different sort of person–one with considerably fewer scruples and much better at keeping a straight face than I have ever been–I might consider opening up my own adult preschool. Shit, even if you charged the “bare minimum” of $333 per student, you’d be raking in an extra two grand a month. If they paid the maximum, it’d be six grand. Six thousand American dollars! To have people in your living room for a couple hours a week and let them finger paint and give them apple sauce! You do that for a year, you’re making $72,000. Holy shit!

Unfortunately I couldn’t do it. Even if the people paying for that stuff wouldn’t feel like they were getting screwed, I would feel like I was screwing people, and that’s not a thing I could really feel OK about. It’s like psychics. Sure, people give them their money willingly, but it still creeps me out.

I actually first read about this a while ago, and thought it was a cruel joke. Or, that at the very least, no one would actually sign up for this. I was wrong, I guess.  And now, I hate everything.

The founder, Michelle Joni, is also known for starting a Skipping Club for adults, and for having walked around the city of New York in an afro wig for the purpose of attaining both “enlightenment” and “flava.”

I don’t know. I mean, whatever, people can do what they want. It is not up to me to tell grown ass people not to spend a thousand dollars to play “Duck Duck Goose” on a Thursday afternoon. Whatever gets you through the day. However, I cannot help that I am perpetually horrified by both things that cost too much money and adults who find themselves adorable. My inner child is Rhoda Penmark.

Let me just say, however, I have no problems with eccentricity if one comes by it honestly. If I want eccentricity, I will go sit down next to the old man who hangs out at my local bar so that he may talk to me for two hours, in French, about why he is a monarchist and the Kennedys are evil. As he does.

That’s the kind of eccentricity I can respect. The mere idea, however, of ever being in a conversation with someone talking about how they got in touch with their “inner child” while taking a preschool class for adults fills me with more dread, despair and exhaustion than I have words for. Why I have a dichotomy for these things, and where do I draw the line? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s like the Miller Test and I know it when I see it?