FMK: The Men Of “Broad City”

Welcome to Fuck, Marry, Kill, the game in which we take three men and assess just what we’d like to do with them.

THE RULES

Fuck: A pleasant one-night stand with the person of your choice, not a fuck-buddy, booty-call arrangement. Your standard toot it and boot it.

Marry: A union in which you enter this knowing full-well whether or not you will spend the rest of your life with them. Implications of this category include lovelessness and a sex life that consists of unsatisfying missionary sex once a financial quarter, but this is up to the assessor’s interpretation.

Kill: Girl, bye. Throw ‘em off a cliff.

The Lucky Men

Lincoln (Hannibal Burress), Ilana’s erstwhile dentist lover and Tumblr aficionado.

Jeremy (Stephen Schneider) Abbi’s hot neighbor with a kimono wall and a penchant for pegging.

Trey aka Kirk Steele (Paul W. Downs), Abbi’s boss/frenemy/personal nightmare with a sordid past in frosted tips and beach ball porn.

The Verdict

Amelia
FUCK: Jeremy
I’m a lady with a dream. In fact, the sixth random thing on my bucket list is that I really, really want to peg a dude (for feminism! and for fun!) and clearly, Jeremy is down for it. After we’re done, I’d leave in one of his kimonos and never look back.

MARRY: Lincoln
What’s not to love about Lincoln?! He’s hilarious, treats women with respect, and most importantly, not only has a JOB but a CAREER that pays well and affords him and thus ME unlimited access to nitrous oxide.

KILL: Trey
I don’t work out, I don’t clean up other people’s sweat, and I don’t do beach ball porn. Trey can DIAF.

Megan

FUCK: Trey
There’s something about his bleached tips and his past as a beach-ball fucker that I find intriguing, unlike anyone that I’ve ever slept with. I guarantee he’d be terrible, but it would be humorous x infinity, and the fodder for countless stories to be passed on to my grandchildren.

MARRY: Lincoln
He’s funny, he’s got a career, and his credit is most likely better than mine. I see no problem with this union, and give it my blessing.

KILL: Jeremy
Sorry, dude. Your apartment is so “white-woodworker-with-a-penchant-for-craft-beer” that I imagine actually spending a life with you would be insufferable. Also, you have a kimono wall, which seems ideal, because I love kimonos, but is the perfect indicator of just how ANNOYING of a human being you actually are. Bye!

Rebecca

FUCK: Lincoln
That seems like it’d be pretty fun in the short term, but I take things way too literally to marry someone who jokes around that much.

MARRY: Jeremy
A dude who can ask to be pegged has honesty and good communication, two elements of successful long-term relationships.

KILL: Trey
No one needs another soul cycle instructor in this world.

Claire

FUCK: Lincoln
In another life I’d have married a dentist like Barry from “Friends” and lived happily ever after on his big-ass salary and stable house and the SUV and expensive juice cleanses it would provide me with. Well okay, mostly I’d have married him cause he seems like a great guy who’s kind and funny and respectful, but I am not in that other life, I am in THIS LIFE in which a cooler guy (cough, Jeremy) is also in the picture, so I’ll recognize that Lincoln’s lovely traits also make him a perfect candidate for an especially satisfying one-night stand. You came close to being my hubby though, Lincoln. Real close.

MARRY: Jeremy
Any guy who has he guts/honestly/self-awareness/lack of weird gender stereotype hang-ups to ask for something like pegging is a guy who will probs have those traits outside the bedroom as well – and it give me the comfort of knowing that if *I* wanted to try something in bed that was out of his element, he’d be down to at least give it a shot.

KILL: Trey
He represents nearly every pet peeve I have about humanity all in one. NOPE.