FMK: The Men Of “Broad City”

Welcome to Fuck, Marry, Kill, the game in which we take three men and assess just what we’d like to do with them.


Fuck: A pleasant one-night stand with the person of your choice, not a fuck-buddy, booty-call arrangement. Your standard toot it and boot it.

Marry: A union in which you enter this knowing full-well whether or not you will spend the rest of your life with them. Implications of this category include lovelessness and a sex life that consists of unsatisfying missionary sex once a financial quarter, but this is up to the assessor’s interpretation.

Kill: Girl, bye. Throw ‘em off a cliff.

The Lucky Men

Lincoln (Hannibal Burress), Ilana’s erstwhile dentist lover and Tumblr aficionado.

Jeremy (Stephen Schneider) Abbi’s hot neighbor with a kimono wall and a penchant for pegging.

Trey aka Kirk Steele (Paul W. Downs), Abbi’s boss/frenemy/personal nightmare with a sordid past in frosted tips and beach ball porn.

The Verdict

FUCK: Jeremy
I’m a lady with a dream. In fact, the sixth random thing on my bucket list is that I really, really want to peg a dude (for feminism! and for fun!) and clearly, Jeremy is down for it. After we’re done, I’d leave in one of his kimonos and never look back.

MARRY: Lincoln
What’s not to love about Lincoln?! He’s hilarious, treats women with respect, and most importantly, not only has a JOB but a CAREER that pays well and affords him and thus ME unlimited access to nitrous oxide.

KILL: Trey
I don’t work out, I don’t clean up other people’s sweat, and I don’t do beach ball porn. Trey can DIAF.


FUCK: Trey
There’s something about his bleached tips and his past as a beach-ball fucker that I find intriguing, unlike anyone that I’ve ever slept with. I guarantee he’d be terrible, but it would be humorous x infinity, and the fodder for countless stories to be passed on to my grandchildren.

MARRY: Lincoln
He’s funny, he’s got a career, and his credit is most likely better than mine. I see no problem with this union, and give it my blessing.

KILL: Jeremy
Sorry, dude. Your apartment is so “white-woodworker-with-a-penchant-for-craft-beer” that I imagine actually spending a life with you would be insufferable. Also, you have a kimono wall, which seems ideal, because I love kimonos, but is the perfect indicator of just how ANNOYING of a human being you actually are. Bye!


FUCK: Lincoln
That seems like it’d be pretty fun in the short term, but I take things way too literally to marry someone who jokes around that much.

MARRY: Jeremy
A dude who can ask to be pegged has honesty and good communication, two elements of successful long-term relationships.

KILL: Trey
No one needs another soul cycle instructor in this world.


FUCK: Lincoln
In another life I’d have married a dentist like Barry from “Friends” and lived happily ever after on his big-ass salary and stable house and the SUV and expensive juice cleanses it would provide me with. Well okay, mostly I’d have married him cause he seems like a great guy who’s kind and funny and respectful, but I am not in that other life, I am in THIS LIFE in which a cooler guy (cough, Jeremy) is also in the picture, so I’ll recognize that Lincoln’s lovely traits also make him a perfect candidate for an especially satisfying one-night stand. You came close to being my hubby though, Lincoln. Real close.

MARRY: Jeremy
Any guy who has he guts/honestly/self-awareness/lack of weird gender stereotype hang-ups to ask for something like pegging is a guy who will probs have those traits outside the bedroom as well – and it give me the comfort of knowing that if *I* wanted to try something in bed that was out of his element, he’d be down to at least give it a shot.

KILL: Trey
He represents nearly every pet peeve I have about humanity all in one. NOPE.