7 Questions With … Robyn, In Honor Of The Frisky’s 7th Birthday!

It’s our birthday, bitch! This week, The Frisky turns seven years old, and I thought an appropriately navel-gazing way of acknowledging this momentous occasion would be to more formally introduce you to the seven women, including myself, who make up this new era of The Frisky. Over the course of the week — as Stassi Schroeder from “Vanderpump Rules” would say, it’s our birthday and we’ll celebrate it for as long as we want! — they’ll be answering a short little questionnaire I came up with and ordered them to take. I confessed to having the urge to steal and Rebecca shared what it’s like to work for a Pentecostal chiropractor, now let’s see what Robyn has to say for herself…

1. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had (since it’s safe to assume working at The Frisky is the best, do not deny it)?

I am not at all kidding or sucking up when I say that The Frisky is literally the best job I have ever had. It’s GLORIOUS here. Also, I’ve actually liked most of my jobs, at least the ones I stayed at more than a month. I even liked my job as a third key at Afterthoughts–except for the part about piercing baby ears. Why anyone would ever let 18 year-old me do that, I still do not know. I walked out of a dumb mall store job in a rather dramatic huff when I was in high school because the new manager insisted it was “part of my job” to follow black people around the store, but before she came around I liked it fine.

The absolute worst though was the summer I had to go work at Bausch and Lomb every day to pay my parents back for driving my car into the house. It was the worst, not just because it involved doing the most boring, monotonous, envelope filling work possible, but also because it was really stressful trying to keep up appearances and reflect well on my father in an environment where I clearly didn’t know how fit in.

But I tried so hard! My mom and I even went to the GAP to get me some of what we were thought were normal person clothes (some of which were even pastel and floral print). I was sure my disguise would be convincing, and I tried really hard to not say anything to freak out the squares. Like, I really love my dad and didn’t want the whole office being like “Oh, look whose daughter is a giant weirdo!”

At that point in time, those “bra strap headbands” were a thing. They were not actual bra straps, they were just like, adjustable headbands. I used to wear them pretty often. Then, one day, this guy who worked for my dad asks me to come into his office, and he says to me “Robyn. I have heard you are wearing underwear on your head at work.” I was, of course, perplexed, until he said something to me about the bra strap headband. I was like “Oh! It’s just a headband! That’s just what they call it! It’s not like, actual underwear!” However, this dude continued to lay into me about how I was an embarrassment to my father, and how my inappropriateness might threaten his job, to the point where I ended up crying like a weirdo.

It was a really bad time, but the cool part is that I have an amazing dad who stands up for me, and that fella did not so much as look at me cross-eyed for the rest of the summer.

2. Who would you pop culture best friend be? EXPLAIN.

Does Bette Midler count? Because I’ve always felt like Bette Midler and I would be super-friends. Nothing in the world gives me as much joy as Bette Midler. She’s a hilarious, brassy broad, and also seems like just the nicest human ever.

3. What are the five most random things on your bucket list?

  1. Ever since I was a little girl reading Nancy Drew books, I have desperately wanted to be a girl detective and solve mysteries. Like, sometimes, late at night, I look into getting a private eye license, which is surprisingly hard to get. But honestly, I’d really like to be Jessica Fletcher or something. In the way that when the police are confounded by a serious whodunit, they go “WELP, we better call Robyn!” and then I come in and solve it with my amazing observational skills.
  2. I would like to hang out with Fran Lebowitz while chainsmoking and drinking black coffee and wearing finely tailored suits.
  3. I am holding out on purchasing a poster of Charles J. Guiteau’s phrenological chart, because I am convinced my soulmate will purchase it for me, knowing well my fascination with presidential assassinations and bizarre Victorian ephemera.
  4. I’d like to, just for a night, be a lounge singer. I gave up singing to pursue other things, but someday I wanna get a long sequin dress and sing jazz standards in a dimly lit bar. Actually, most of my personal revenge fantasies involve me doing this as well, because the plan is always that the fella who done me wrong is in the audience, and I sing this totally pointed torch song that makes him feel really guilty and terrible, and which causes him to apologize profusely for being the worst, but then I tell him to go screw. It’s quite satisfying.
  5. I’d like to figure out the whole Italian dual citizenship thing, and then go live there or somewhere else in Europe for a while. Particularly, I would like to go to the tiny village of Pennacchia (population: 14) and see if they’ll let me be queen.

 

4. How much do you hate men? Explain.

11.

5. What secret urge do you get but never act on?

Biting lipstick. I don’t know, I just feel like it would be immensely satisfying.

6. What would the people who know you best say are your best and worst personality traits so, ya know, Frisky readers can be prepared?

 

My mother insists that my best AND worst quality is that I am “perpetually cheerful,” although I disagree as I would consider myself a bit of a curmudgeon. Can one be a really cheerful curmudgeon? Maybe. I kind of wish I was cool and aloof and Garboesque, but really I am pretty cheerful and often way too friendly to ever be hip.

According to my preschool report card: “Robyn is the little mother of our group! Whenever another child is upset or crying, she will run over to give them a big hug and say ‘there, there, everything will be OK.’ She has very firm ideas about what is and is not ‘fair’ and has put herself in charge of making sure that everyone shares and no one is left out. Although her verbal skills are advanced for her age, she lacks physical coordination and would likely benefit from more physical activity. Overall she is well-behaved, but is easily distracted and has trouble focusing on the task at hand.”

I think this is all basically still pretty true, although I can now tie my own shoes and pay attention to something for at least a full fifteen minutes! I have always kind of been a caretaker, and if I don’t think something is fair, I’m like a pitbull with lockjaw. Probably a thing our readers should know is that I have a tendency towards hyperbole and dramatic speech that tends to disconcert people who do not know of my ways enough to take some things with a grain of salt. OH, and I talk about my family constantly, which can be good or bad depending on what you are into.

 

7. What is your dream blog post that you vow to actually write and publish during your time at The Frisky?

 

I am already super excited that Amelia is letting me do a series on “Badass Bitches of History” — even though it’s not a major pageview generator, it’s something I’m totally passionate about. Maybe someday I will rank my favorite Romanov impostors? Do a series on awesome murder ballads? Finally write that recap of “Turandot” I’ve been joking about doing forever? I don’t know–I have many incredibly peculiar interests and The Frisky world is pregnant with possibilities and opportunity. I do, however, at some point, promise Amelia that I will finish writing about the time I was rejected by a weird sex cult.