7 Questions With … Rebecca, In Honor Of The Frisky’s 7th Birthday!

It’s our birthday, bitch! This week, The Frisky turns seven years old, and I thought an appropriately navel-gazing way of acknowledging this momentous occasion would be to more formally introduce you to the seven women, including myself, who make up this new era of The Frisky. Over the course of the week — as Stassi Schroeder from “Vanderpump Rules” would say, it’s our birthday and we’ll celebrate it for as long as we want! — they’ll be answering a short little questionnaire I came up with and ordered them to take. I went first; now, let’s hear from Rebecca Vipond Brink…

1. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had (since it’s safe to assume working at The Frisky is the best, do not deny it)?

Working for a Pentecostal chiropractor. I was not in any way qualified to be a chiropractic assistant and was ostensibly hired to be a receptionist, but she had me do things like ultrasound therapy on her patients. She also bamboozled me (and my insurance company) into getting (an unnecessary) three adjustments a week. Oh, and she tricked me into going to a “””chiropractic””” conference in St. Louis, saying that it was a requirement of my job. It was revealed, once we arrived, to be a Pentecostal conference with a veneer of chiropractic over it. They did faith healings (I did not participate because I do not feel like getting palm-smacked in the forehead, thanks). On the way home, she told me that she had received the gift of prophesy, that god was speaking through her, and that my then-fiancé and I had to get married ASAP because we were living in sin, which sounded an awful lot like a personal opinion to me, BUT WHO AM I TO CHALLENGE THE WORD OF GOD????!?????

2. Who would you pop culture best friend be? EXPLAIN.

LOL at this because I just wrote about how I’m totally exhausted by pop culture. I mean, if I consider this seriously, it’s hard to answer, because the bits of pop culture I really DO like a lot, I’m really obsessed with. Meeting the people behind those pop cultural bits would no doubt kill my idols. But in an ideal world, I would like to have either David Bowie/Jones or Neil Gaiman as a mentor, because they are relentless and fearfully imaginative creators. The bonus of being friends with Neil Gaiman would be also being friends with Amanda Palmer, who is #problematic but definitely a bold individual for whom I have a lot of respect. If the point in life is to surround yourself with people you admire, to make yourself better by leaching their awesome-vibes, I feel like those would be solid choices.

3. What are the five most random things on your bucket list?

  1. Meet and have a substantive conversation with Nancy Spector, a chief curator at the Guggenheim, about Felix Gonzalez-Torres, whose biography she wrote.
  2. Tour the Coral Castle in Homestead, Florida extensively.
  3. Invent a hair color for weird colors that’s genuinely permanent. If we can clone a sheep, we can make permanent pink hair color, people, COME ON.
  4. Do (LEGITIMATE) bondage modeling.
  5. Become a slackline master.

4. How much do you hate men? Explain.

Let me put it this way: Men are basically unnecessary. Like, we’ve come to the point with science where we could just harvest lots of semen samples and probably even like synthetically manufacture semen, kill all the men, and live without them forever and ever and we would never have any other problems ever. If we had babies with penises, we would just eat them and absorb their essence, and our womyn-power would be increased by their sacrifice. It would obviously be a utopia. No one would ever fight because women never fight with other women, and because women are absolutely a monolith and we all have the same opinions and ways of thinking, and it would be totally inclusive and equal (because god knows how well the feminist community has treated other marginalized groups, historically). We’ve proven our perfection and our time has come. So yeah: Kill all men.

[Because people on the internet are super-literal: Gender is a construct, personality is not inherent to sex, questions about “men” and “women” necessarily ignore and erase a huge part of the population that is intersex or identifies as trans* or as non-gendered and that is far from OK, and I love all human beings based on the fact that they are human beings.]

5. What secret urge do you get but never act on?

There’s this weird book that just kind of showed up on our shelves when Michael and I moved into our new apartment in November – like, neither of us knew where it came from, it was just sort of there all of a sudden. It’s super-old and really tattered, and it’s written in runes, but the funny thing is, I can totally read it. One day in January, I read one of the pages out loud, and there was a huge BOOM! and lots of smoke, and suddenly I was floating in this other dimension, surrounded by a swirl of demons. One of them came forward from the swirl and said, “We will consume the body and soul of any individual you wish, but you may only choose one. Give us the word and it will be done.” Then there was another BOOM!-and-smoke and I was back in our second bedroom by the bookshelves.

I’ve been wanting to use it on Tilda Swinton, but so far I’ve held off.

6.  What would the people who know you best say are your best and worst personality traits so, ya know, Frisky readers can be prepared?

I’m really generous and want to lend a hand to everyone, regardless of what’s going on with me, which is a point of pride for me but can also be a bad thing because I’ve been known to run myself ragged for other people and wind up collapsing, emotionally. I’m extraordinarily intelligent in terms of being able to analyze, understand, respond to, and build upon complicated concepts (not so much in terms of retaining raw data), but then I have problems socializing because I expect other people to think the same way I do, and don’t consider the possibility that other people’s brains work in a totally different way that I haven’t bothered to try to understand. I either care a lot about something or I don’t care at all. I have no “medium” setting for caring, so I have to be selective about what I spend my time doing and who I surround myself with. I can occasionally be mean but I work really, really hard to be conscious of it and not do that. I have a hard time letting things go and I can hold a grudge, but as far as work and the things I write about go, I try for those to be justified grudges against ongoing offenders. I love talking to other people, and am thrilled when I get reader e-mails. Also: I really like to kid and goof. I do an exhausting (to other people) amount of kidding and goofing in real life. Assume that a good deal of what I write is in some degree of jest.

7. What is your dream blog post that you vow to actually write and publish during your time at The Frisky?

VOW? Oh come on, it’s more like whether or not I’ll be allowed to. I’ve made a point of researching things that I’m interested in and incorporating them into Frisky articles, but if I were running amok I’d be doing a giant series of personal essays and investigation on Felix Gonzalez-Torres on SpinMedia’s dime. The good news is that I’ve already got a huge amount of that research done – I just can’t afford to obtain the books, journal access, travel, and interviews that I’d need to finish it out. That’s only one idea, too (fly me to weird places and let me photograph them and write about the obsessive people who built them!); I’m supremely conservative about writing on my niche interests, if you can believe that.