Florida Cheeseburglar Steals Tons Of Mozzarella In A Truck

Today in Crimes That Are Totally Worth It: Someone stole a truck trailer containing multiple tons of mozzarella cheese from a parking lot in Florida. The cheese was meant for the Hungry Howie’s Pizza distribution center in Lakeland, Florida. So is the thief like the pizza equivalent of the Hamburglar? Can we call him the Cheeseburglar? I’m going to call him the Cheeseburglar.

The cheese was valued at $85,000, and that’s well beyond the cost of the refrigerated trailer itself, which is worth $62,000. To steal it, the Cheeseburglar had to also steal a Kenworth hauler (the front portion of a truck), worth $130,000, from the same parking lot. Seriously, if you’re going to steal something, I can’t think of anything more practical or glorious than a Kenworth truck, with a refrigerated trailer, containing literal tons of mozzarella cheese. I know that the loss here is tremendous and it’s a terrible thing, but from a grand-scheme point of view, all I can say is that if I were going to choose to be a thief I’d be the Cheeseburglar. He knows what’s up.

Also: How the hell did he (I assume it’s a man, but I could definitely be wrong) manage to do this without anyone noticing? I mean, I know that if you’re going to commit a crime you’re supposed to just walk in and act like you’re supposed to be there, doing what you’re doing, but the guy had to unhitch a trailer containing tons of cheese from a hauler that he, for whatever reason, couldn’t steal and therefore I assume he also couldn’t move, and then hitch it to a hauler that he did manage to steal. The logistics are beyond me, possibly because I’m not a trucker and I don’t understand how trucks work. But this seems like it would be difficult to do without looking extremely suspicious, right?

And! What is he going to do with the cheese? What are his plans for the cheese? I hope we live in a universe in which there’s a cheese black market, and he’s not going to just dump it somewhere and take the truck. Mysteries of the universe, man.

I hope it’s recovered soon, of course, but in the meantime, if anyone wants to explain how truck trailers work and/or speculate wildly on the fate of the cheese, leave your thoughts in the comments.

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[Image via CityPages/Shutterstock/Shutterstock]

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