Man Flashes Switchblade On Dance Floor In Attempt To Flirt With Woman, It Goes Predictably Poorly

What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard? Does it involve a switchblade? No? Then it’s definitely not the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard.

Chicago writer Mason Johnson recounted for CBS Chicago a nightmare pick-up situation from hell that he and his girlfriend witnessed as a friend of theirs was approached by a man at a club, expressed her disinterest in dancing with him, and was pressured into dancing with him anyway. When Johnson’s friend still didn’t want to dance, the stranger decided, as a last-ditch effort, to try to impress her by showing off his switchblade.

That’s right: Dude tried to pick up on a woman by flashing a switchblade at her on a dance floor.

  1. No.
  2. No.
  3. No.
  4. Aren’t switchblades illegal in Illinois? Like, you can have assisted switches but,
  5. Whatever, semantics, NO. NO, NO, NO.

Or, as Johnson put it: “Considering the constant presence of violence against women in our society, showing the girl who just rejected you a switchblade in the hopes it might impress her is a terrible idea.”

Johnson confronted his friend’s possible assailant, who apparently had genuinely just been showing it off because he thought it was cool. Here’s the difference between men and women: I carry an assisted switch on me at all times for safety, because a woman can never be too prepared, in my humble opinion. This dude carries a switchblade on him because it’s neat!

No! I have no better words. This was the worst attempt at communicating with a woman that I have ever heard of in my entire life. This is worse than the not-all-there guys on the CTA trains who stare at women sweatily and then all of a sudden just whip out their peens and start going to town on themselves (yes, that’s a thing). Because those guys aren’t possibly going to kill you, they just can’t tell the difference between real life and a magazine page.

Anyway, it’s great being a woman in public. If you’re not being treated as a spank bank on the train, you’re getting knives flashed at you in clubs. Thankfully there are rad dudes like Johnson who can sympathize:

“As a man, I am allowed an immense amount of space which I feel entitled to inhabit. The fears that might pop into a woman’s head as a stranger dances with her against her will, refusing clear signs to stop, isn’t something I’ve been taught to automatically sympathize with, since it’s not a problem that usually affects me. I’ve had to learn how to pay attention to the people around me, how to be considerate of the fears of others, especially women. I’ve had to learn that the space I once considered my space, a space I could take anywhere and impose on anyone, was actually a shared space, especially on a dance floor.”

Thank you, preach, end of story. And if you’re wondering, Johnson and his girlfriend informed the bouncer what happened and switchblade guy got summarily searched by bouncers, which had to be fun. Pro clubbing tip: Don’t bring a switchblade, and if you do, don’t take it out for funsies. The night will go better for everyone.

[CBS Chicago]

[Image via Shutterstock]

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