Is Hillary Clinton Only Meant To Be A Foil For An Eventual Male Nominee?

If I were Hillary Clinton, I would not run for president in 2016.

This is not to say that I wouldn’t vote for her. I would. This is not to say I don’t think she’d do a kick ass job as President. I do. In fact, I still maintain that she would have done better than Obama simply because she’s less concerned with being a people pleaser, and because she was quite a bit to the left of him, despite appearances.

However, I can honestly tell you that if I were her right now, I’d say fuck it and just move to Tahiti and drink daiquiris all day while a handsome pool boy fans me with palm fronds and feeds me peeled grapes all day.

Why? Because I am pretty sure I know what’s going to happen if she runs, and I don’t really see why she’d want to put herself through that.

Remember when the whole “Texts From Hillary” meme-a-palooza became a thing, and everyone was all of a sudden madly in love with her for a moment? My immediate reaction to this was “IT’S A TRAP.” Especially when Chris Matthews, of all people, all of a sudden started liking her.

Over the past eight years, the media has speculated that Clinton will run in 2016, suggesting early on that the Democratic Party was already rallying behind her. The idea of a(nother) Clinton Presidency has even been enthusiastically embraced to some degree, portraying Clinton as a badass bitch who gets shit done.

Barely any other Democratic candidates have even been suggested. “When will Hillary announce her run?” they’ve all been asking. It has been inferred that we don’t even really have anyone else.

Clinton, in the mean time, hasn’t said word one to encourage this. She’s gone on about her business, doing her job, keeping her eyes on her own paper. The thing is, she doesn’t have to say anything, because this whole narrative is being laid out for her.

Should she announce her intention to run, here is what I predict will happen– first, despite all of this supposed support (and she does poll well–handily beating every potential nominee in every face-off), the moment she announces her candidacy, she will turn around to see that no one is standing behind her. Then, there will be at least 10 thinkpieces a week, from the Left, on the topic of “Is Hillary Clinton Inevitable? Can She Be Stopped?” Talking heads on MSNBC will suggest that Clinton thinks she is “owed” the presidency. They will talk about her “thirst for power,” and about how she is out to become President whether America likes it or not.

Although we’re not quite at the “Ewww … Pantsuits” stage of things, we’ve already got a couple of those out there, setting the stage. Ben Smith at Buzzfeed (who once described Clinton’s laugh as “her signature cackle“) has already started working it by asking the Republicans Clinton has defeated for tips on how to beat her. We’ve got the SNL skit from this past week portraying Clinton as a power-crazed madwoman who will stop at nothing to become president.

But, when the time is right, there will come a man. He may not be a perfect man, but by golly, he will be our only hope! He is the man who would stop Hillary Clinton from taking power and, eventually, castrating every man in America as she has planned to do all along. He will be a cool guy, unlike Clinton, who probably just wants to be President so she can yell at all the mens to talk the garbage out. Amirite, Chris Matthews?

He will be David, she will be Goliath. He will be King Arthur and he will pull a sword out of a stone to defeat her. He will be Harry Potter finally killing Voldemort. He will be Perseus heroically beheading Medusa for having been turned into a monster for the crime of having been raped by Poseidon in Athena’s temple.

This man will then be held up as a hero. He will be the man who saved us all from Hillary Clinton. Defeating Clinton will be how he proves his worthiness to all of America.

Clinton’s function, almost entirely, for the 2016 election—is to help create a hero’s journey for the man who will eventually win the nomination. Given the fact that the Democratic Party does not exactly have a major superstar other than Clinton at this point, this is the best means by which to create one. Surely, a man who can defeat the Clinton machine is one who can handily destroy any of the nutjobs the GOP may nominate.

She did it for Obama. I mean, there was an entire false narrative created for the purposes of that election. Remember when everyone was all “UGH. It’s been DECIDED. Why won’t she give up and just accept that she lost? Whhhhhyyyyy is she staying? This is so tacky! Baby boomers are gross!”? Well, at that point, Clinton and Obama were pretty much on equal standing in polls and delegates. I’m not saying the wrong thing happened, but I am saying there was a narrative being constructed that was not like, literally true. And I think that the “the man who stopped Hillary Clinton” image he garnered from this was a big part in building up his profile, which eventually helped him handily defeat John McCain.

It is in this way that the current scandal regarding Clinton’s email may be a major problem for the Democratic Party come 2016. If Clinton is already vulnerable, defeating her isn’t nearly as impressive a feat as it was for Obama in 2008.

In each party, women are used as pawns in the quest for the appearance of moderation. The Right uses their women as a way to say “Look! We don’t hate women! Look at how much we love Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin!”—and the Democrats, well, they’re more than happy to roll over a woman in order to prove they’re not wimps.

I will tell you right now that I think a large part of the reason why Elizabeth Warren is not running is because she doesn’t have any interest in being the Democratic Party’s sacrificial woman lamb. I do not think for a second that the Democratic Party would not happily turn on Warren on a dime were she to run. Please. The Obama Administration didn’t even let her run the damn Consumer Financial Protection Bureau when the whole thing was her idea in the first place. That was some bullshit.

I think the Democrats have a better-than-good chance in 2016. I don’t think the GOP is going to nominate anyone who is enough of moderate to win a national race. I don’t even mean “moderate” in the political sense. I just mean someone who seems like a normal, non-batshit crazy person to people outside of the Tea Party bubble. Someone who can pass. Right now, the only people they have that can “pass” are Jeb Bush and Jon Huntsman– one of whom isn’t even running, and the other who is probably just as hated by their base as by us. Chris Christie probably could have passed were it not for bridgegate, but everyone else they have is entirely indistinguishable from someone on the subway rocking a “The End Is Nigh” sandwich board.

I hope that I’m wrong about all of this. But if I am right, I hope that the Democratic Party can find their way to their official nominee without needing to throw a woman under the bus to do so. If they don’t want her, they should start working their asses off to figure out who they do want, and find another way for him to prove himself. Because, you know, it’s gonna be a man.