Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights Are Speaking To My Mouth And Vagina
I know how the headline sounds, but seriously, does that picture not make literally everything water? Do you not have an erection from that picture? Is this just me?
Taco Bell is testing out a new pastry dessert that’s basically Cap’n Crunch dough filled with “milk icing,” by which they mean, I’m sure, “icing that looks ostensibly milky but contains no dairy, because #shelflife.” Right now, they’re only available in Bakersfield, California, which means that even if some kind Bakersfieldian were to purchase some Cap’n Crunch Delights (as they’re calling them) and ship them to me here in Chicago, they would have lost their fresh-from-the-heat-lamp flavor and it would just not be the same. SO. UNFAIR.
I don’t know about you, but if you set one of those giant boxes of Cap’n Crunch on my shelf, it will be gone in 48 hours. That is not hyperbole. The last time it happened (a year ago), I spent two days after my binge feeling like I had the flu. I have to basically treat cold cereal like an addiction, and Cap’n Crunch is the worst of it.
So Cap’n Crunch icing-filled donut holes? Twelve for a buck-fifty? NOW, GUYS. GET THEM IN MY MOUTH NOW. I know what the stomach ache is going to be like and I do not care. Taco Bell has made it so that this thing exists in the world and I must have it, or else when I die, I will list it as one of my greatest regrets on my deathbed. St. Peter will meet me at the gates of Heaven and ask me to recount my sins, and I will say, “I did not partake fully of the glory of God. I missed my opportunity to eat Cap’n Crunch Delights.” Then I will be promptly sent to the sixth circle of Hell, where with the other blasphemers I will be condemned to a desert of blazing sand and constant fiery rain.
Don’t do this to me, Taco Bell. I’m begging you. Bring the Cap’n Crunch Delights to Chicago. You’re my only hope.
[Image via FoodBeast]
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