Russian Soap Opera Actor Goes Home With Woman, Wakes Up With No Balls

Dmitry Nikolaev, a 30-year-old Russian soap opera actor, was admittedly being a naughty boy when he decided to go home with a random blonde woman he met at a bar one night — because he’s married. His infidelity might have otherwise earned him a verbal castration from his wife — if not for the actual literal castration that awaited him when he woke up the next morning. Nikolaev says he remembers having drinks with the woman and agreeing to go to a sauna with her, where they kissed for a bit before he blacked out. The next think Nikolaev remembers is waking up at a bus stop, in intense pain with blood all over his pants. He was rushed to a hospital where doctors informed him that both of his testicles had been removed and “‘it was done like proper surgery by someone with a medical education.”

What. The. Fuck.

Authorities are on the hunt for the blonde woman Nikolaev was with, who they believed drugged him while they were in the sauna and that she removed his family jewels to sell on the human organ black market. (I am resisting the urge to make a “buy one, get one free” joke, oops, I guess I just did, sorrrrrry.) As if losing his nuts wasn’t awful enough, Nikolaev still had some explainin’ to do — to his wife, who no doubt wanted to know where the hell her husband’s testicles went. [CrimeFeed]