An Infographic Guide To “The Bachelor” (Week 8! The Sex-Less Fantasy Suite)

Reminder: Every Monday, I livetweet a new, exhaustingly long episode of “The Bachelor” on my personal Twitter (@xoamelia), giving a detailed, hilarious, wine-and-weed-influenced critique of “Prince Farming” (oh go fuck yourself with that nickname, Chris Harrison) and his search for a woman willing to move to a post-apocalyptic hell tundra Iowa. And then every Tuesday, I recap the episode with some form of an infographic, because three hours actually forming sentences to describe my feelings about this shitshow is enough for all of us.

I gotta admit, I had a tough time coming up with this week’s “Bachelor” infographic, perhaps because last night’s episode was decidedly dull given that it focused less on the sex Chris was likely having with Kaitlyn and Whitney in their respective fantasy suites, and more on the sex he wasn’t having with Becca in hers. Becca finally did tell Chris that she’s a virgin and his response was to sigh heavily, smile and reassure her that he just requires biweekly blowjobs and a finger in the butt on special occasions. Okay, he just sighed heavily, but that’s probably what he was thinking. Anyway, yeah, the big BECCA IS A VIRGIN reveal was a WAY too long time coming and Chris’s reaction was about as tepid as his response to just about everything. Here is what I imagined these two chaste kids did instead of sticking it in.

Also, KAITLYN FOR “BACHELORETTE”!